The Last Time: Chapter Two (FLASHBACKS)

2.    FLASHBACKS

 

(Nad)

 

 

“Can’t you be faster? Geesh!” This is the third call for me. I asked my best friend Syaz to accompany me to the toilet because the sports complex’s toilet scares me a bit. It is always dark all the time. Well, on the outside. I cannot give an excuse to go to the café’s toilet (which is more far than the stadium’s restroom) because the sunlight could trespass into the window inside the toilet.

So anyway, Syaz is being pretty annoying outside, and I’m actually struggle to wear the knee pads inside a small “room”. I couldn’t run or do any active movements without them – the knee pads, I mean- my knees ache on certain occasions and it will just bug me to stop myself from exercising or do any kinds of sports.

 Then I heard footsteps come towards my bathroom door and heard a loud knocking sound, which irritates me more. I opened the lock and saw a girl of my age, a few inches shorter than I am and looked more or less annoyed. “I told you I have always had the problem when it comes to wear the knee pads back again. They’re so tight,” I complained. Well actually just to be in the safe side, because Syaz’s look irritates me a little.

I headed towards the sink and wash my face. As I looked up at the mirror, I saw Syaz’s face; her eyes looked as if she’s looking at something gruesome. I follow the direction of her hazel brown pupils, and asked “what’s wrong? You alright? Is there something at the floor?” Her eyes seem to look at the floor where I stand but there was nothing there, well besides the dirty tissues that fell on the floor.

“Nad, you’re bleeding.” Sure enough, blood trickled down my leg from behind my knee. I folded my track pants until my knees; well that’s how both of us could see the blood clearly. It’s red as red geraniums. “Oh I must have cut it when we try to climb over the back gate this morning.” We just entered the campus in September, as new sophomores, and we were just super excited to ‘work out’ at the campus’s proud sports complex, or a stadium-what we preferred to call it, because the complex is actually very big.

 

It has a big trampoline placed at the centre of the stadium. And the red tracks are just so welcoming. We just cannot wait to officialise our newly bought pair of Nike runners. Just for the information, our campus has two different sports stadium which separate between the genders, which is great because I’m easily self-conscious if guys watch me run. But of course that’s not the main point. It is always good if places like this, separable.

Today marks the day of our ‘freedom’- we just finished our orientation week, and it was quite hectic, that’s why we yet to have dibs on the stadium. The front gate is not opened until 8 am, but I got some info from our very helpful seniors that there’s a back gate, and you just need to climb over it to be inside the stadium, and there is nobody around if you go there early.

The fences are not that tall. As I’m 5 feet 7 inches tall and the fences are almost two inches taller than me, so it wasn’t a big of a problem, only it was for Syaz though. However, the fences are quite sharp at its tips. We just couldn’t wait until 8 am, that’s why we felt that we want to have the tracks all for ourselves, not to mention the trampoline. We packed ourselves breakfast boxes into our backpacks, and headed to the stadium as early as 6.45 am.

 I reassured her, and take out some Kleenex out of my backpack and wiped off the blood and secured the tissue over the cut. Then I stick on the plaster. “And it’s still bleeding? This morning you mean 6.45 am this morning? Now is almost 1 pm, Nad. And you’d have thought it would have clotted by now.”

I rolled down my folded pants and rearrange my shawl. Agh, I’m always in a bad ‘tudung’ day, like my friend would call it. Ignoring Syaz’s statement, I said “Let’s go, I’m hungry” while dragging Syaz towards the exit.

                                                                        {

 

A month has passed and I’ve considered the library- or to be exact, the carrel room to be my second home. In fact, I’ve got my favourite already, room 241, and the windows facing the vast green field.

The backdrop is not cloudless and always dashing blue, well except when it rains, but the ambience really motivates me to study and actually finish my works. Assignments are piling up, and I can’t possibly finish my tutorials while my room at the hostel keeps remind me of the bed.

But today my favourite carrel room has been taken by somebody else, and I blamed Syaz. If she could stop bothering me at the café this morning to linger a bit when my eyes keep darting at my Swatch, and my legs are begging me to go to the library fast because it’s about to open –well I might have the opportunity to book my carrel room, but no I just had to ‘linger’ at the café a bit because Syaz kept pestering me about Im, who’s also having his breakfast two tables beside us. “Omg, he is like just beside you!” Ugh, and I don’t even know why I bother confided to her about this. But she is still my best friend. I know she’s acting like a normal best pal would do.

I’ve got my headphones on and Danial Jang’s Violin Cover of a famous Korean song pounding slowly into my delicate ears. It has been delicate since ages, which is why I really cannot stand loud music. I’ve got biophysics homework to finish today and as I was about to put my pen down to start an answer essay, Ami –my Biochemistry classmate, also my good friend- came in front of my table.

 She leaned across the table and whispers “just got to tell you this, I’ve won the Manga Comic Fiesta tickets! I’ve got to attend Tokyo International Anime Fair!!! I got to go to Japan! Aaaaaaah!” She practically shouted on “Japan” and all of the students nearby shot us murderous looks. Well, literally. Ami, being a ‘good sport’, rolled her eyes at them.

I lunged at her to hush her down and she just laughed, catching my wrist. I grimaced as her fingers closed around my bruise. She dropped my arm, and folds down my sleeves, and eyed the ugly purple mark in surprised. “What’s that? And how did you get it?” She looked worried, and I’m too. “Just a bruise and I don’t know.” I was curious myself but I couldn’t figure out how I got them.

I tossed my backpack on the study desk, and slumped myself onto bed. Today is a tiring day, the most exhausting day, perhaps. But I’ve been feeling tired these days, and I thought I had took enough of vitamins. And actually it is only 10 am in the morning. My girlfriends have been saying that I look pale. Whatever it is I need some rest before Mr. Lopez's class at 2 pm.

 

 I look at the paper butterflies hanging above me. I cut them out of multiple colour manila cards and decorated it with my roommate’s remaining scrapbook kits last week at the common room down the hall at the library. I planned to read the newspaper, also, try to finish my 5 pages of tutorials but instead found a few used manila cards, and thought instead letting them to waste I should innovate them or something.

Yeah, I could be easily distracted. And when I came back into the room bringing the scrapbook kits, I don’t know it will turn out to be this lovely. But something else happened at the common room. Reminiscing it, I realized something is wrong with me, besides keep being self-conscious with myself because Im keeps appearing in my life; I’m no less than confused and curious.

 

(Im)

 

I texted Fik that I would be heading to the tennis court after I drop by at the common room to return the newspaper I borrowed. Today’s headline is about my brothers and sisters in Islam are in grave battle in Rohingya – May Allah protects them always, besides other political issues and gossips on the local celebs.

As I’m placing my Blackberry inside my pocket, I heard a ‘thump’ sound ahead of me, besides looking at papers strewn everywhere, and one paper was right in front of my Converse. I took the paper and realized I have seen one just like it before; a Calculus tutorial, except that this paper’s owner has way better handwritings than mine.

As I look in front of me, I saw a body lying down on the dark blue carpet, trying to get up. I run towards her and saw the familiar beautiful face again. “Nad, you alright?” I looked around to see if there are any female students that could help her, but at the same time, my eyes cannot release from looking at her condition.

She looked weary and helpless, and I on the other hand, trying as hard as I could to resist myself from touching her to help her up. “I’m, I’m fine, I just stumbled, that’s all,” she said while standing up. But her face couldn’t mask the lie she just told me. She looked different, not healthy of different. She looked darn pale.

I saw two girls walking towards us, and quickly ask them to help her, to carry her things, because she really needs someone to lean onto while walking, or at least walk behind her just in case she falls again. Nad shot me a startled look and turned her head towards the girls and said, “It’s okay, I’m fine. My friend here just thought that I’m not well. You guys may carry on.”

The two girls looked a bit taken aback and felt half-guilty but they walk on when Nad kept reassure them that she’s fine. I flinched when she addressed me as her “friend”. “I said I’m fine, you could go now,” Nad said to me after the girls were gone, in a stern way. She then crouches down and quickly gathers her fallen tutorials up.

She was about to continue her journey but I stopped her and said, “Hey, you forgot this” and handed her handmade butterflies. She took it with her right hand and her baju kurung sleeve fell down a bit, exposing her fair skin, I guess she’d probably forgotten to wear her arm socks, like she always did, well not that I’m aware of at most of the time.

 But that doesn’t bother me as much as the serious purple bruises on her arm. I think she caught my startled eyes and quickly grab the butterflies and secure her sleeve. “Thank you” Nad said and walks away. I had made her feel self-conscious; I noticed that when she pulls down her sleeve, heck does it even matter. In my mind, I was asking are you alright, Nad? And I watch her from behind until her tall figure has disappeared from my sight, before I turn my sneakers to the opposite side, towards the common room.

 

                                                                          {

 

I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and her pale look during the incident last week. Well last week is not that long. Two days ago, on Saturday. A voice deep inside me saying that she is not fine. I look at the book in my hand, I’ve been trying to finish re-reading this book for three days now, a revision that I thought I urgently need before I conduct my usrah this Saturday morning – Mazha Yakni ‘an Intimai Islam (What is the purpose I profess in Islam) by Fathi Yakan is such an indispensable book, for all of us who consider ourselves as Muslims. And I’ve got the last part to cover up.

Two hours has passed and Alhamdulillah, I managed to absorb every word written by the late prominent Islamic scholar. I lie down and thought to take a short nap before ‘Asr but as I took a glimpse at my phone, I recalled my previous conversation with Am, my good friend and Nad’s classmate, that she had been called to Miss Lisa’s room. She’s the Head Guardian Counsellor for our course department. And normally students who got to see her are either because they are problematic or have some problems that needed guidance and counselling.

No, I’m not being judgemental to those people who walk into and out of her polished wooden door, but she always said it herself whenever she presents her speech; introducing the department’s Guidance and Counselling Unit, as if we students never heard about it. I looked at my Blackberry, and I fought with myself whether I should text her, ask her myself whether she’s fine or even call her if I have the guts.

But calling her would be a very brave attempt, I know she would not be fine with me calling her, and I know that it’s not the right thing to do. Our nuqaba’ reminded us always about ikhtilat. Yes, another reason that caused me to be concern about her is because we go for the same usrah.

That would be a good reason to answer the questions that kept pounding inside my head; why do you have to be so worried about her? Have you fallen for her? But I could only answer the first question. The second question keeps me in curiosity. But, the bruises. I can’t forget the vivid image that I’d seen on her arm last weekend.

I asked Syaz on the same Saturday when we stumbled into each other outside the  cafe, it was unusual already that she’s not with Nad. They’re like glue, stick strongly with each other, Am would have commented. After a few hesitations she said she also thought that Nad is not in a good pace and she told me about some more bruises.

 She was going to say more but she stopped herself, I figured she felt she had betrayed Nad’s trust if she did. She told me was because she has a better trust in me, she mentioned the words, “with the same fikrah, that’s why I trusted you with Nad’s condition.”

 I would have done something the next day, on Nad’s sake, but Am caught me on hold, he got injured during his rugby practice, and he needed further treatment, which later caused him to have 20 stiches on his knee. Alhamdulillah he’s fine now, and he assured me by saying “Go and solve your Nad’s problem. This is the first time I’ve seen you cannot solve an equation. Nad is surely a pretty tough one. Ha-ha”
 

 I threw at him hard, a pillow, and if he hadn’t fallen injured, I would have done more, I flinched when he laughed. But I can’t possibly do that when he doesn’t even know the other side of Nad’s story. He said that because he thought I have a crush on Nad or something. Which I, don’t. I realized that I’d been staring at the book too long now. I grab my Blackberry, and start texting.

 

(Nad) 

 

I can’t believe she could say that! The next thing I knew I find myself collapsed into my bed in tears and exhaustion. Today is the most weird, awkward day for me. First is the situation with Ami, next with Miss Lisa. That was the first time I went to the GCU – Guidance and Counselling Unit, and I already loathe the wooden door of her entrance.

 She would have probably thought she is helping me, but saying the words makes me feel I’m that problematic, like you could watch in movies where the counsellors trying to get hold of the kid, and normally the situation is because the kid is problematic. Am I problematic? I compete in marathons; I finished my coursework and tutorials before the due date. I’m an active participant of our debate team, in fact we were scheduled to have an International Championship in the UK, London to be specific, next January- approximately  one month to go from now.

 If I’m problematic won’t I be able to go through all that, I mean if you watch movies, problematic kids are usually timid in personality, and doesn’t want to disclose themselves to the world. But to think again, I’ve stopped participating in marathon because these few weeks I cannot walk right. I feel tired most of the time, and those mysterious bruises.

I never tell this directly to Syaz, let alone my family. I don’t want to screw up our current family status; ‘reforming the happiness’ within our family, besides, I trust myself to be independent. I knew I’m skipping classes, but I don’t care. I won’t want my classmates and lecturer to found me in this state, enough of unwanted moments already. I turned my head and recalled each and every word that came from her red lips.

 

I was having my lunch -mac and cheese- at the café with Syaz when I was summoned to the GCU. Curiosity dodged Syaz and I down the hall to Miss Lisa’s room. But on entering, I asked Syaz to wait for me outside while adding “but if I’m late, just go first to Mr. Lopez class.” Our lunch break is an hour and a half before Microbiology. And it’s 2.00 pm already, I hope this won’t be a long meeting because I’ve got to head to the musolla first before 2.30.

 I walked into a baby blue coloured room, finished with fully furnished office set, and in front of me sat a professionally dressed woman in a bright pink scarf. “Assalamualaikum, have a seat Nadhia.” She motioned to the chair in front of her neat and orderly expensive looking desk.

I replied her salaam and sit down while my pupils not moving from looking at her pretty face and the red lips. I still cannot tell why she calls me here. “Congratulations on your debate championship last month. You’ll have an International Championship scheduled next year in London, am I right? Well it’s certainly the best one IIUM had to date.” She said beaming at me.

 I nodded, I still can’t figure out what’s behind this somewhat pep talk. “Thank you Miss Lisa.” A slight case of jitters set in while the pretty figure in front of me studied me for a few thoughtful moments. “Have I done something wrong Miss Lisa?” I asked. “Not at all,” she said while looking straight at me.

After a few long seconds, and I could no longer possibly facing the red lips in front of me, I said, “Is there anything wrong Miss Lisa, because I’ve got Microbiology in less than 15 minutes. I haven’t performed my Zuhr yet.” Impatient and apprehensiveness outgrew me.

What’s with the look? “That’s what I want you to tell me, Nadhia.” She walked out of her desk and crouches in front of me, and patted my hand, as one might stroke a frightened child.  “My dear, there are laws protecting children from parental abuse.” “E-Excuse me?” I was dumbfounded. The counsellor offered an indulgent, all-knowing half-smile. “The bruises, on your legs and arms have been reported Nadhia. You can tell me the truth, is anyone hurting you at home?”

I was horrified. I stared at her open-mouthed. “Now dear, please understand me. Although you’re not a minor, you are still protected by certain laws and the university personnel only want to make sure that no one harms you. You are a brilliant student Nadhia. You’ve got long path ahead of you. And we don’t want anything to change that,” she continued.
 

My thoughts whirled and tumbled. She thinks my parents beat me! The impact of the thought sent blind rage coursing through me. A mental picture of my family -learning and helping each other to mend the broken pieces two years ago; trying to fill in our leisure times with much happiness as possible; mother trying as hard as she could to be a good mom; and dad works hard for all of us- flashed through my mind.

In an instant I was on my feet. “Are you asking me, implying if my parents hit me? No one in my house struck me! No one!” I seemed to lost control of myself. I forgot everything what my naqibah had taught me, about patience, and courteousness, about how our beloved Prophet, may peace be upon him, has the best akhlaq that I should always conform to. 

“Please calm down, Nadhia. We can’t ignore those bruises.” She seemed taken aback with my attitude, the look on her face shows that my respond was unexpected. “I don’t know how I got these stupid bruises. But they didn’t come from my parents. There are some other reasons for them.” My anger was so intense.

“What other reason?” She asked further despite seeing my fury. “I don’t know! Maybe it’s because of my strenuous training for the marathon a month ago. I just don’t know!” I sputtered. Miss Lisa kept going as if she knew everything. “I can’t let this go unreported Nadhia. I must call your parents for consultation. I would be negligent in my duties if I didn’t.”

 “No! My parents, they’re wonderful! They would not strike me, alright? Just leave this alone. Don’t involve them!” Without knowing, I bolted out of her office, and ran outside into the bright afternoon light. I did hear she called my names, but I can’t possibly return back.

 

 

 

“A moment of sadness to seek Allah’s pleasure, is a thousand times better than

being sad every day because of love for this Dunya.”

 

-          khadimulquran.tumblr.com

#15

"With age, comes the realisation

that you're that much closer to death,

which in turn spurs you to stop wasting your life,

and live it the way its supposed to be lived.

So its a good thing."

 

 

 

 

- Rizwan Saiful Raslin, an old good pal

Special 2013 Post

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

 

Basically I planned to post this entry last december. But unfortunately I couldn't make it. Alhamdulillah, I managed to finish typing these, so, here goes for my special 2013 welcome entry ;D Happy reading!

 

   Assalamualaikum wbt kepada semua para pembaca yang setia J Insha Allah entry hari ni saya akan bawa satu cerita yang saya petik daripada novel tarbiyah pertama yang saya baru sahaja baca pagi tadi, Cintaku Kerana Agamamu daripada Dr. Farhan Hadi. Kalau Angel Pakai Gucci baru je release satu entry yang dapat beri ‘lempangan sakti’ pada setiap individu yang membacanya, insha Allah petikan cerita yang saya ambil daripada buku ini juga dapat beri ‘tamparan hebat’ pada diri kita semua yang membacanya, saya harap, terutama buat kaum hawa.

 

  Alhamdulillah, ketenangan jiwa dapat terasa setelah membaca -walaupun tak habis lagi- buku-buku yang dapat mentarbiyah diri dan memelihara diri daripada segala yang lagha; Mazha Yakni oleh Fathi Yakan, La Tahzan oleh Dr A’id al Qarni. Saya amat galakkan anda semua untuk membeli novelet tarbiyah 2 dalam 1 terbitan Galeri Ilmu yang bertajuk Cinta High Class oleh Fatimah Syarha dan Cintaku Kerana Agamamu karya Dr. Farhan Hadi. Seriously, meskipun saya baru je baca 66 muka surat, namun setiap page buku tersebut beri tamparan yang amat hebat kepada diri saya. Rasa malu, terkesima, dan bersalah bercampur aduk dalam diri yang jauh daripada layak mengharapkan seorang bakal imam yang soleh seperti Dr. Muslih. Saya sarankan rakan-rakan sekalian untuk baca novel ni, sebab bak kata adik saya yang sudah pun merasmikan buku ni terlebih dahulu daripada saya, dia comment tarbiyah dalam buku ni amatlah mendidik diri, dan dia siap tambah lagi menginginkan ‘baitul muslim’ sepertimana yang digambarkan dalam novel ni.

 

Petikan yang saya ingin kongsikan ni lebih menjurus soal hubungan perempuan dan lelaki. Dr. Muslih baru je dapat sepucuk surat cinta daripada seorang secret admirer. Tapi disebabkan dia sedang sibuk bercinta dengan ilmu, dia menolak cinta manusia yang tiada kepastian itu.

 

Maaf wahai kaum hawa yang kusanjungi jika aku menanggap tindakan seumpama ini mengurangkan sedikit martabat malu seorang wanita. Jika aku ingin beristeri, aku tidak mengharapkan seorang wanita yang begitu senang menawarkan dirinya kepada mana-mana lelaki dengan cara seperti ini.

Aku lebih sanggup meredah samudera mencari mana yang suci lagi terpelihara. Secara psikologi, beginilah jiwa lelaki, sentiasa inginkan cabaran. Maaf, jika ada segelintir orang yang tidak bersetuju. Tiada paksaan untuk menerimanya. Mungkin ini cuma pendapat peribadiku. Impak sesebuah pemilihan nanti masing-masing menanggungnya sendiri. Pilihlah.

Aku menghargai wanita sebagai pelengkap hidup lelaki. Masing-masing mempunyai keunikan tersendiri. Wanita bukanlah diciptakan semata-mata untuk memuaskan pendapat lelaki sehingga mereka tidak berhak memiliki kemahuan sendiri.

Wanita memiliki kecerdasan untuk menyumbang kepada keluarga dan masyarakat sebagaimana lelaki. Demikian juga wanita memiliki kekurangan dan kelebihan seperti lelaki. Itu yang kufahami tentang makhluk istimewa bergelar wanita daripada buku Abdul Halim Abu Syuqqah bertajuk Kebebasan Wanita Pada Zaman Risalah beserta dalil-dalil yang kuat.

Kuakui, memilih itu bukan hanya hak lelaki. Wanita juga berhak memilih. Aku menyokong jika wanita ingin memulakan dahulu. Tiada masalah. Cuma, menggunakan orang tengah itu lebih bersopan. Lebih menepati sifat gadis Muslimah dan budaya Timur.

Lihatlah beradabnya Sayidatina Khadijah menggunakan khidmat maisarah dan seorang sahabiah apabila tertawan kepada Muhammad ibn Abdullah. Bukankah sebagai majikan beliau boleh memanggil dan berjumpa sendiri dengan pekerjanya?

Lihatlah pemalunya puteri Nabi Syuaib yang memuji sifat kuat dan amanah Nabi Musa di hadapan ayahnya. Hingga si ayah menghidu puterinya menyukai Nabi Musa. Lalu, disatukan mereka.

Jika seorang wanita sekadar ingin menyatakan hasrat hati lalu menawarkan diri, harus baginya. Ia pernah dilakukan oleh sebahagian sahabiah sebagaimana diceritakan oleh Allah SWT dalam surah al-Ahzab, ayat 50. Semuanya ditolak Nabi kecuali janda bernama Maimunah.

Dalam hadis riwayat Bukhari pula diceritakan tentang wanita yang menawarkan dirinya kepada leaki soleh. Puteri Anas mengutuknya sebagai tidak malu. Anas membela wanita itu yang sukakan seorang Nabi.

Jika tidak mahu menggunakan orang tengah … ya, boleh mulakan dulu dengan cara penuh adab. Nyatakan hasrat hati. Noktah. Jangan dilagha-laghakan dengan mengajak melalui surat, e-mel, SMS, telefon dan chatting.

 

Namun tiada paksaan buatmu jika tetap ingin memberanikan diri mengurat lelaki dengan mengajaknya terjun ke dunia khayalan. Itu pilihanmu. Aku cuma memberi pandangan. Jangan terkejut jika tawaranmu ditolak oleh lelaki yang baik-baik.

Aku teruja pada kata-kata Sayidatina ‘Aisyah r.a. ketika ditanya ciri-ciri wanita mulia, “iaitu wanita yang tidak dikenali dengan perkataan yang mengaibkan (mulut celupar) dan tidak terpedaya dengan tipu muslihat lelaki.”

Bagiku, wanita solehah perlu arif tabiat kebanyakan lelaki. Otak mereka licik dan suka mengambil kesempatan. Wanita yang senang dimiliki, senang pula dipermainkan dan dipersiakan. Wanita yang berhati-hati akan mendapat nilaian yang tinggi.

Wanita yang bijak dapat dikenal daripada bijaknya dia menangkis tipu muslihat lelaki. Itu sifirku. Jika wanita sebegini dijadikan isteri, dia akan bertindak bijak dalam melaksanakan amanahnya. Ciri-ciri wanita sebeginilah yang terlukis dalam impian hidupku.

Aku ingin melangkah ke syurga perkahwinan dengan mengecap cinta, kasih sayang dan ketenangan. Aku tidak mahu berkahwin tanpa memahami kaedah yang betul untuk bahagia. Akibatnya, perkahwinan menjadi penjara cinta yang menyesakkan dada. Dipertahankan hanya kerana kasihan. Anak-anak tertekan melihat ibu bapanya tidak berkasih sayang.

Inilah akibat perkahwinan bagi orang-orang yang menjadikan rumah tangga medan cuba-cubaan atau perjudian. Rasa bahagia atau tidak diserahkan pada takdir yang menentukan tanpa diri sendiri berusaha menciptakannya.

Usaha untuk bahagia itu pula perlu bermula daripada pemilihan pasangan hidup yang tepat. Aku inginkan insan yang terpelihara. Aku tidak mahu berkahwin hanya kerana sebab-sebab murahan seperti sudah terlanjur bercinta, kasihankan insan yang diberikan harapan, puas hidup membujang atau desakan sesiapa. Kata Ibnu Qayyim, “Cinta boleh lenyap bersama lenyapnya sebab.” Kuingin mencintainya kerana Allah. Lantaran aku yakin Allah tidak akan lenyap.

Istikharahku menambahkan kekuatan. Hatiku tidak cenderung kepada mereka. Aku yakin kerana belum seusai masanya. Mungkin juga kerana aku belum bertemu si mawar agama. Aku mesti amanah meletakkan sesuatu pada tepatnya. Cintaku kini dengan ilmu dan perjuangan. Biarlah prioriti cintaku berjalan lancar satu demi satu. Tidak mahu nasibku nanti ibarat Mat Jenin, yang dikejar tidak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

Aku mengambil buku di hadapanku lalu menciumnya. Kening kananku terangkat. Kujeling ke kanan dan ke kiri. Malu juga jika ada orang yang nampak. Tidak kisahlah.

‘Buku. Aku sedang sibuk bercinta denganmu kerana Allah. Aku tidak ada masa untuk cinta-cinta yang lain,’ Kataku lagi dalam hati.

 

 

The Last Time: Chapter One (SPEED)

 

 

 

1.    SPEED

 

(Im)

 

 

It's hard to see her not smiling. It's hard to see her not laughing. Because every time I happened to see her, a smile would be plastered across her face. Laughter never fails to escape from her. It seems like happiness surrounds her every time, so it seems.

But now, I found her lips trembling, the knuckles of her hands clenched, hands clutched together, with her head falling down, and shoulder shivering. Our distances are not that far, but not close enough for her to acknowledge my presence. She suddenly straightened up, and her hands are brought towards her face, as a startled viewer from above (not literally above, I'm standing at the balcony in front of her), my guess is that she is wiping her tears.

There’s a whisper inside me saying that I should go down, and be beside her. I did, in fact, walk away from the balcony, and go down the stairs, but I managed to stop myself from walking towards her a few steps behind. I know that she will probably stand up anytime soon, and would not be expecting to see any human at this time, at this place – our campus’s stadium- and with her present condition.

But my Nike runners could not bring me elsewhere, I won't even budge. Some voices within me whispers that I should remain where I am, and try to find out what is happening to her. As I expected, she stood up and turned around, and I saw her red-rimmed eyes, for the first time. Something that disturbs her must be serious, or her cheeks won't be wet with tears. Instead of taking a step forward from where she stood to go to the distance that she expects she would go (to the exit I supposed), she just stood there still. I reckoned that she probably felt my existence distracts her because her body looked stiff. I cleared my throat and start a conversation, which I rarely had with her.

                                                                                       {

 

I placed my backpack on my study and take out the book I am currently addicted to, of course, another non-fiction and politic-genre kind, and paperback is another criteria that I would look for at the bookstore. I turned on the radio and Jason Reeves's The End was playing. I look at the cover of the book and instead of looking at the bold writings in blue and black, my mind wanders back at the conversation that I shared with that girl this morning.

Well, it's hardly a conversation. It was a stupid move actually, because I should've known better she was not prepared to encounter a guy who is so unlikely to talk with her, and so unlikely to start a, shall I say friendly conversation? Darn. Instead of just exited myself before her, like I would normally do if I found myself in an awkward situation like that, well not meant to be unconcern but some people doesn't like people to budge into their life problems, and to actually give room to them to gather themselves and not become more depressed because someone had caught them in such a miserable state.

 But in her case, it’s different. Instead of leaving the stadium, I stood there facing her and after clearing my throat I asked, "Are you, are you alright?" Just a simple question but my heart pounds so hard, thinking about this makes me feel more stupid and wonders why I actually felt that. She looked up at the guy who is standing on the steps, I could sense a startled wave in front of her face, but she answered after a few hesitations. "I'm fine." Just a short answer and she walk passed by my side and exited through the door. I didn't go after her of course that would be pretty much ridiculous because then she might think I'm acting weird so suddenly, but I turned around and watched her go.

Now I placed the book down and head towards my bed. As I lie down, my pupils caught on the metal hanging above me. The fan could not be any louder, I thought, but this fan had been serving me well for the last one year since I stayed here. Apart from the loud fan, I know that I enjoyed staying at this room, in this hostel of my campus. It gives me the comfort feeling, like I felt back home.

My far away home. I tossed and turn and I seem could not find myself having a good rest. You need a rest, you've been working long heck of hours and you deserve a good rest, that's what the voice inside my head told me. But I couldn't let my eyelids close, because my mind was thinking besides resting, I couldn't let go of that girl's sad face. Suddenly a memory of the past blinded my eyes, a memory that I reminisced.

 

                                                                        {

 

I was at the library and looking through the choices of books arranged neatly in front of me and I saw the book that I have been wanted to read since last month, before my mid-term exam starts. As I pulled the book from its position, another book which is arranged at the opposite side also been pulled, and my eyes caught a pair of beautiful dark brown pupils staring straight at me.

 I straightened myself, and eventually I was facing a tall, fair-skin girl of my age, with a familiar pretty face. I could guess she is tall because her height is slightly shorter than I am. She's my course mate. It was a brief but awkward moment, cause we actually stared into each other’s’ eyes for a few seconds before she herself break away from our ‘awkward moment’ and gave a slight shy smile before she walks away. I on the other hand, watch her go and kept reciting the istighfar.

I met her again, however this second encounter was longer, and we actually sat and talked, well, discussed is a better word, because we sat and discussed in a meeting held among others, pertaining to our student society – the Medical Student Association. I came fifteen minutes late, and as I entered into the room, the meeting already started, and my course mates were sitting in a circle –because we don’t have a round table so yeah- I found an empty seat next to my friend, Kamal, and I sat, and looked in front of me, and I saw that girl. And during the meeting, we actually discussed together, I supported her points, and she supported mine, I looked at her in a different perspective. A new perspective of her that I somehow like.

These two events occurred last year. After the meeting, we somehow kept stumbling into each other, before class (she’s not my classmate but her Biochemistry class is just next to mine), at the café, and every time we did, the ‘only chemistry’ there was that we exchanged smile as a sign of courtesy towards each other, to actually acknowledge each other as friends, well, we never really discuss matters beyond the student body meeting agendas, like studies or that sort.

Reminiscing this, I realized that I haven’t see her much often like before and saw her in such depression like this morning adds to my already present curiosity. I don’t see her beaming smiles since November last year. I heard my doorknob’s turning, probably my roommate had returned from his lecture, and I looked at my Casio, and just realized I’ve been staring at the loud rotating metal above me for almost two hours.

 

That’s how time works between us. Full of speed.

 

                                               (Nad)         

 

 

Have you ever heard of the saying goes “happiness could camouflage your sadness” or “laughter could hide away the tears” or you probably hadn’t cause I had actually made them up. But thinking about the words, it’s true, somehow, because I’ve experienced it. Tears could keep flowing from my most-of-the-time-red-rimmed-eyes-at-night and it will stop when it should stop.

I mean, you could control yourself from crying can’t you? And that if you’re the reserved type, who won’t easily share your personal stories, you would know when is the good time for you to actually pour out, and have a good time of yourself, alone. I always said to myself, true happiness is what I want, always wanted. It is something to be accomplished.

And yet until now I have the trouble to strive for it. I have the ‘misfortune’ of not achieving the real happiness that I’ve always dream of. No, I wasn’t meant to be ungrateful of what I have. Actually if I tell my story, most people would have reacted in a way that tells me I should be grateful because others don’t have many opportunities that I had obtained, before they even hear the rest of my story.

 It’s true that my life is complete, with parents, a sibling, and a home although not a massive one, but comfortable enough and I am fed with three meals per day. I entered kindergarten and the journey continues until I could get into university, a life which I should be grateful of, because not all people could experience that. But not all people know about my life completely. Not all people should experience the other side of my story.

Before, I heard about the overwhelmingly devastating news, my previous sadness factor was a whole lot of different kind. People always see me in smiles and laughter, and so I hide my sadness with those masks. And I never thought I would be repeating the same act again after two years of getting used to the whole lot better situation.

 Have you ever feel that your home is not a home? You cannot utter the word home sweet home because your so called home doesn’t even fit the two words; it’s not even a home because home where all your ohana get together well without arguing and fighting with each other and sweet, my home is far from sweet. It is too bitter to tell.

                                                                         {

 

That year was 2007. I had my headphones on and The All American Rejects’ It Ends Tonight hit the play button. I was deeply engaging myself with Jude by Kate Morgenroth, actually a very good read that I would recommend to my peers.

And as I got to the part where Jude is accused of murdering his own father, I heard a loud crash downstairs, which caused me to abruptly stand up from my bed and head towards the stairs. I heard a loud thump sound this time, and as I peeked from above, I found out the crash was from the crystal vase, among the two of our only crystal vase in this house (that we got from winning mall prizes) and the loud thump was from the books that has already lain on the floor.

There were lots of books, our old textbooks, which we never bother to keep it nicely arranged, and now they are strewn everywhere among the broken pieces of glass. I saw my 9 year old sister crying and sniffing and the one who caused all these, yelled at her, asking why all of us could not keep the house in a good state; her voice is full of rage. This is not the first time. And we actually have make sure we’d done our chores and the books, well, at times they could get pretty messy when my sister needed them for homework or revision. But she just won’t stop yelling. I closed my eyes shut and tried to control my anger. Suddenly waves of the past memories hit me, and as I opened my eyes, I was 12 again.

I saw myself at the kitchen, trying to bake some cookies. I could never get the hang of baking, but the feeling of comfortable and lovely would always linger there whenever I beat the mixture of butter, sugar, eggs and the vanilla. I headed towards the fridge and was retrieving the chocolate chips that I had bought with my own money that I saved when I was sent to buy some carrots at the nearby store. As I was pouring the chocolate chips over my satisfied mixture, I heard a key sound trying to open the front door.

My forehead was already perspiring hard as I looked around the kitchen. It was a total mess. Dirty dishes still remain inside the sink. The big lump of the flour that I dropped when I carried the flour bag from one side of kitchen to another caused the centre of kitchen to be the most noticeable. I promised myself I would get it all clean up when the cookies are baking in the oven but I never realized I should have to clean all these much earlier. But it was too late.

As I turned around, I saw a figure standing behind me, looking at me and the background of the kitchen with eyes full of wrath. I noticed she brought along a metal hangar. The next thing I remember was that I had to put up with the bruises and sores at my arms for the next five days. I also promised myself to never bother to make anything to make that person happy. Yes, the cookies were meant for her.

I startled as I heard the loud yell. I realized my cheeks were wet and my lips tasted of salt water. I wiped my tears away and looked at my sister from the stairs. Because the woman cannot stand my sister’s continuous crying when she told her repeatedly to shut up, she suddenly slaps my sister’s face. Hard. Which caused my sister to abruptly stops crying but watching her from the distance I could know that she’s hurting. I clenched my knuckles hard, and I feel like I’m boiling up. I shouted, “Mom! Stop!” And mom turned towards me, and I was the second victim.

 

                                                                                    {

Yeah, I’ve been slapped, hit. Lots of time. Because of the messiness we siblings had caused. Messiness here could be defined as not properly arranged your textbooks on your desk, late washing the dishes and cannot keep the living area tidy just like our cousin’s house. Only that I hope people should try to excused us for being kids. We were kids, back then, who tried to survive by having fun and play.

 I got hit because I answered back whenever our parents argue and fights. People would probably think that is so ridiculous to be true, but it is, unfortunately. My sister and I actually survived to study in a house where you always got beaten with a hangar and hears your two important people in life fighting and shouting endlessly. We are not rich, but we are not poor either. Although we have a home and could feed ourselves with three meals per day, things were pretty harsh for us.

Dad keeps changing jobs and every job doesn’t give a better pay. Mom is in distressed, that’s why she keeps blows up at us. We managed to score straight A’s and got distinctions despite the chaos. However this, this was an accident that scars us sisters’ lives 2 years ago. Now our lives are different to compared to those miserable years.

 Our parents made up with us, and we have started to forgive and forget, although it took time because the throbbing pain is still there deep inside our hearts. My guess is that probably because dad got a steady job already, and the salary was higher than before, and mom, I guess she had just realized my sister and I have been working darn hard to give her all the straight a’s we could give. I’ve never stop praying. And I know that He won’t burden me with something that I couldn’t bear. That’s why I managed to smile and laugh in front of my friends every day.

Thinking about how Im who had found me in such situation makes me feel more insecure. Why, in all situations he would eventually see me in that kind of condition. It feels more awkward when the guy who actually asked about your condition this morning is someone who is your crush. My group of friends never knew this, except Syaz, but I like him since our first encounter a couple of months ago.

A distinctive figure that I couldn’t forget. The Medical Student Association meeting helped me to get to know him better, well in the surface at least. The way he talks, is full of wisdom and that caught my eyes. Anyway, back to my story, I didn’t cry, so hard at the stadium this morning because of the past bitter memories. Well, it was hardly about it, because my tears fell this time thinking that I thought my problems had diffuse.

 

 After the dreadful years, another year that accompanies it seems new to me. I felt happier, and this time it is total genuine. I actually enjoyed going picnics together with my “new” ohana, and the venues are different every time. Mom would prepare us handsome-looking irresistible foods. Unfortunately, new problem arises and this time, and it is my battle. Not my parents, my sister, but mine.

 I hope I wouldn’t let them be in a new mess after the last mess have been cleared out. But it was too late. They have shared my devastating news. Im saw me crying this morning is because I have to keep to myself that I’ve diagnosed with an incurable disease. If last time I was certain that I could not consider a guy to see my dad for my hand of marriage when the suitable time comes, because of my family’s ‘unstable condition’, now I am most certain I would not have the chance to get married because I would no longer be here when the suitable time comes. And that is 23. (Well if I happened to find someone by that age, if there is certain special someone that He had picked for me). Why? Because I’m probably dead by that time.

 

I looked at my iPod and realized the time just passed 2 pm. I didn’t bother to go down and grab some lunch. The red-rimmed eyes of mine are still visible to be seen, an accessories that would attract others’ attentions eventually. The time just went by so quickly. I’m going 20, just settled down nicely for more than a year in this campus, and had gotten sick. Everything around me seems to be in full speed.

 

 

“He, who has nothing, has Allah.

He who has Allah, has everything”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random Celotehs 2

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

 

Assalamualaikum peeps! ;D

 

So tetiba rasa nak berceloteh lagi. Although this will be just celotehs, but I hope some of it could benefit you guys in some ways. Whatever it is, one once said that "if you are going to talk, make sure it benefits the listener, if you are going to write something, make sure it benefits the reader. Any foul words or false statements will only adding more sins to you and the person acquainted with you."

 

 

5. Wisdom Teeth

 

Last Saturday, my siblings and I made our way to the dentist for our annual check ups. Razeen went in first, and the next thing I know I found his lips gripping red tainted cottons, which later I found out the cottons were actually covered with his blood, sebab dia kena cabut gigi. Ergh.

 

This is the second or third time I went to this dentist, the clinic is just nearby our home. And that was like when I was 7 or 8? But I went there to get my baby tooth plucked out. And I loathe the pain I felt because of that, I couldn't remember whether it's because of the pain, or I was angry because of the dentist himself, he is kinda rough. And because of that miserable day, later on whenever my baby tooth feels like coming out, I would gladly help it to come out 'naturally', if you know what I mean. I would eat cerals, or ice cream, and focus the munched foods on that particular area. But of course I still have to visit the dentist, only that we changed dentist for about 4 years and then went to our pakteh, for about 3 years, but because now he focuses more on being a surgeon - yepp he is super awesome, he's a dentist and a facial surgeon- alhamdulillah- we just had to visit the dentist that I don't err not quite fond of.

 

So anyway, I'm nineteen going twenty in less than a month from now, and the dentist also has been growing older and I assume, more softer in dealing with patients? I don't know but after I look at Razeen's bloody mouth-okay that's harsh-, my stomach churned in such a bad way. Mama already said that I should get my teeth some scaling and polishing. I don't mind the polish part although it could tickles at some point and feels nyilu, but scaling,, woah, what I know is that pakteh did a very remarkable job in doing it in a less painful way.

 

As I entered the room and lay down and my face being under the 'spotlight' -I supposed the nurse and the dentist could see the pores and the getting better acnes- he checked my teeth condition. Then he said, "wisdom tooth dia dua2 kena cabut. Both are slanted (now that explains why it hurts whenever I munched my foods with the teeth at behind). So nak cabut hari ni ke?" I was like, what?!?!?! Even I say so myself, teeth is something I won't forget to care about. I brush, occasionally floss, sometimes gargle with mouthwash-although not so often- but the news that I've got to lose my wisdom teeth shocked me, and all I could imagine was painful moments are ahead of me T__T *menangis air terjun* But my mom said that we could make another appointment (5th Jan ye, ahem) As for me, if anyone even cares to listen-well if they could actually listen to me, monologue with myself, I don't even want to 'pluck out those teeth of mine! The heck I care if I have to bear the pain whenever I eat! (Well now, takdelah rasa macam tak concern dengan gigi tu.)

 

So anyway, I would very much like to share how my scaling moments with Doctor. It hurts. Big time O_O tak tahulah dentist tu pegi scaling gusi gusi tu skali, tapi rasa dia, sakit. Masa dia start tu baca la bismillah, selawat, doa, dalam hati. Dalam hati tu keep on repeating Ya Allah Kau yang Berkuasa, lembutkanlah pergerakan dentist ni ya Allah. Aku lemah, dan tidak tahan pada kesakitan. Alhamdulillah awal-2 tu rasa sakit ala-ala gigit semut, err semut yang besar kot. Tapi ni bukan sakit gigit sangat, susah nak describe, sebab siap dengan bunyi macam tengah menggerudi kan. Ok tapi tu macam exaggerated pulak. Tapi memang sakit la. I've never really like scaling. Although it cleans out every bits of foods stucked between your teeth, and despite the smashing looking after-effect, I still dislike it, The feelings are just unbearable to me. Lepas siap tu, nak kumur, blood-coloured saliva and blood itself yang keluar. I had to gargle like 5 times to at least get a clearer spit, only that the colour was more or less pale yellow. Yepp, that's how 'bad' it was. Seriously rasa macam gusi bawah setiap gigi tu kena toreh :'|

 

Lepas tu ada satu gigi kena tampal. Alhamdulillah this would be the third time tampal. But the dentist didn't do polishing, as he said that my teeth has no stains :D Alhamdulillah. After I stand up, the dentist repeated the question of when should we start to remove my back teeth, because it should be conducted as soon as possible, 'the sooner the better' he said, and I actually did burst out -quite politely- "tapi kalau tak buat langsung, tak boleh ke?" with the most hideous scared looking face, then he said, "takk boleh. sebab it will affect other teeth." Now that's something! *facepalm*

 

If some of you doesn't know about wisdom tooth, it grows somewhat later, in your older age, when you have already had the permanent teeth. It varies between people. Some people have the wisdom tooth quite late, like my mom, she had them when she was late twenties. Oh and what meant by my wisdom teeth slanted, was that, which I had noticed clearly yesterday, my right wisdom tooth, half of it has been covered by my gum (yeah, I don't think this disturb you guys more than the other one), and my left tooth, may He protect it, has been fully, almost fully, 99% covered with the gum! (okay this is disturbing. Big time) Okay okay, stop with the shocking, facepalm, face already. Sebab gigi tu slanted, sampai gusi belakang tu boleh meliputi gigi tu. Hah! Full coverage! Pfft.

 

Anyway, doakan saya, the 'operation' will be held insha Allah on Jan 5th, I will be "biused" of course (I could sensed Miss Natasha shot a glaring look at me) (Oh Miss Natasha is my English Lecturer), tapi bukan yang boleh tidur punya, yang kebas effect punya. Huhu.


6. Being 'Angelic'

Angelic. Read: Innocent, Pure, Virtuous. (Malay; Baik Sesangat)

I remember when I was sitting for my PMR and my dad reminded me, "Baba ingat dulu, masa Raihana nak UPSR, Raihana akan baca Quran setip hari, banyak kali, buat solat sunat." And I know that Baba had noticed my changes in my habits, probably. You know, people who are closer with you are better mirrors than the mirror you are looking at in front of you. Ya, masa tu saya pun rasa diri ni tak macam dulu. Amalan harian tu tak terjaga. Sekarang pun, masih banyak perlu diperbaiki. Masih perlu istiqamah.

Baba always remind all of us, " Jangan nak exam je kita ingat Allah. Ibarat macam kita rasa diri bertuhan waktu exam je. Kena banyak istighfar. Solat sunat hajat, qiyam, bukan buat masa nak exam je, awal tahun lagi dah buat. Minta awal-awal. Kita patut malu degan diri sebab ingat kat Allah pada waktu tertentu, sedangkan Allah tidak pernah terlepas pandang kita, dan kita sebagai hamba wajar ingat Dia selalu." Dah macam norma, bila nak dekat exam buat solat hajat mega, puasa sunat et cetera. Tak salah, in fact daripada tak buat langsung, at least kita buat kan? Tetapi cuba tanya pada diri, molek kah kita sebagai hamba yang hina, yang dikurniakan abundant bounties from Allah SWT, free of charge,  tapi kufur nikmat, lupa, lalai, dan hanya memerlukan Dia pada waktu susah sahaja. Yes, we are imperfect humans, but that doesn't mean we should stop from correcting ourselves and become better 'abd Allah every day, right?

My friend once told me that her friend confided to her about her roommates that she was sharing with. It was a room of four, and that girl had to share it with three DQians (Darul Quran). She said she had a 'hard time' being in a room with the hafizahs, who are wearing tudung labuh, who are memorizing and reciting quran every day, because she couldn't wear shorts in the room, she felt she's being 'controlled' by the three sisters. Then I heard the girl's statement which caused my heart to ound harder than usual, that said, "susah kan jadi hafizah ni. aku tengok dorang kena jaga banyak benda. kalau macam kita yang tak hafal quran ni at least tak la rasa bersalah kalau buat salah sket sket." Astaghfirullah. Kadang-kadang kita kena bersabar, sebab tak semua orang faham sepenuhnya tentang Islam. And I would not say I'm a pro about my own religion, which is a shame of course, because I'm still learning. Cuma background sesorang tu yang tidak 'membenarkan' dia belajar tentang agama. Kita yang faham ni la yang kena tegur. At the same time tunjuk qudwah yang baik.

I don't blame that girl. It's just that it saddens me people would say as if someone needs to be a good muslim because he or her is learning about Islam more than that someone, or being a hafiz/hafizah, because he or she is more closer to Allah than other people-which in some point it's true, of course you are closer to Allah when you tingkatkan amalan. But it doesn't leave us who are still a Muslim to become ignorance in conforming to our religion's order. We cannot say we could commit sins from time to time and feel less guilty about it just because our amalan biasa-biasa saja. Because every second, we aged, we become older, and become closer to death.

We should be angelic, at all times. Well, we should try. It's either being late or never. And it's always better being late than never.


7. Pre Registration Havoc

So today dah boleh start pre-reg for intake Semester 2, 2012/2013 IIUM Gombak. And I've seen tweets like "Boleh beruban aku buat pre reg ni" O_O Lol ya sampai begitu sekali. Alang-alang, count me in! The page is hard to connect to when we presumed, lots of students are trying to register around the same time. Huh.

Alhamdulillah I managed to register 3 core civil law subjects which are Law of Torts 1, Law of Contracts 1, Malaysian Legal System. Besides that, we also have to add three more syariah law subjects which are to be learnt fully in Arabic *facepalm* *mulut terlopong* as well as BM, -yepp kami bebudak law kena ambik BM ye rerakan *high school memories flashes in mind*- Unggas (Don't ask me, I'm not very sure about this subject either) also co curicullum which to be added when we entered there this January.

So all these are equivalent to 8 subjects plus cocu. Again ! *mata terbeliak* Talk about the major focus we should be during lectures - terpaksa kena bersiap sedia dengan rerakan yang ajak berbisik pasal movies,sejarah silam, etc, dan MENGHIRAUKAN mereka!- okay that's kinda harsh T_T|| Eheh ^^" *buat tak nampak kemarahan #YYAians* but, whattodo? Ottokeo? You can't help yourself from being more serious and focus than ever when you have to cope with 8 subjects?! Ni tak pikir lagi bab mid term exam, bab finals! Ohmai! O.O'" Huhu. Focus is wajib. Period.

The fact that I have to learn 3 subjects in Arabic worries me big time. My arabic is honestly, not that good compared to my other colleagues who are taking Syariah Law course as well. It annoyed me a little when I heard a good pal of mine dah siap pegi tuition arab T___T It makes me feel hopeless! At a second. But I have to have faith in my du'a, in Him that will always listens to my prayer, in myself, so that I could trust myself to reach for the top *mata berkaca* *semangat meningkat tetiba*

Besides, my parents are putting high hopes on me, and why would I let them down? After SPM, what I really want to do is accomplish excellence in my results, for my parents, and most importantly for my religion. Kita berhajat nak berjaya dalam hidup ni sewajarnya untuk berjuang dalam agama. Educated Muslims are very highly needed. In fact, the Quran mentioned about educated people in such a way that they are very special, very close to Him. Buat sesuatu kerana Allah. To achieve Mardhotillah (Redha Allah).

[3:7] Dia-lah yang menurunkan Al Kitab (Al Qur'an) kepada kamu. Di antara (isi) nya ada ayat-ayat yang muhkamaat, itulah pokok-pokok isi Al qur'an dan yang lain (ayat-ayat) mu-tasyaabihaat. Adapun orang-orang yang dalam hatinya condong kepada kesesatan, maka mereka mengikuti sebagian ayat-ayat yang mutasyaabihaat daripadanya untuk menimbulkan fitnah untuk mencari-cari takwilnya, padahal tidak ada yang mengetahui takwilnya melainkan Allah. Dan orang-orang yang mendalam ilmunya berkata: "Kami beriman kepada ayat-ayat yang mutasyaabihaat, semuanya itu dari sisi Tuhan kami." Dan tidak dapat mengambil pelajaran (daripadanya) melainkan orang-orang yang berakal.

Read more: http://mylaboratorium.blogspot.com/2012/02/10-ayat-al-quran-tentang-keutamaan-ilmu.html#ixzz2GAcDvuUy

I thought of posting a picture of the schedules, but the original would just give you guys headache by just seeing it. Probably I'll show the one that I jot down.

Anyway, let's not stop reciiting Qunut Nazilah for our beloved brothers and sisters in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Rohingya, Chechnya, Guantanamo Bay, Philipines wa fi kulli makan wa zaman.

'Till then, ciao!


 

Random Celotehs

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

Assalamualaikum wbt peeps!

Suddenly I've the feeling that it has been awhile since I've posted 'interactive' entries. Interactive here means I 'communicate' with you guys like I used to through my posts. Babbles like I used to ;P Since the previous post, I think I would like to 'liven up' my blog a bit. Andddd I've got some interesting, intriguing, serious, celotehs to share with you guys!

1. Pukau

This is, a very very important and severe notice, to all of us, who are at most of our times become the pedestrians, the public people, outside -of course- and being careful at any time should be our greatest concern. Last two days I read a conversation between two of my colleagues from CFS at Twitter and one of them had been hypnotized (malay; pukau) by a man who claimed himself by the name of HAFIZ. An AFRICAN AMERICAN/CANADIAN. My friend kena pukau at MID VALLEY !! O___O That crazy man aproached my friend by getting him into a conversation, talking about Islamic brotherhood. The man used the name of Allah to get my friend's attention and according to the Twitter conversations between my two pals, the ruthless criminal was asking about directions or about the time when my friend suddenly being hypnotized! And my friend also reminded me to be cautious at all times especially that this man is around PJ area!! And not forget to mention that my friend was the second victim, at Mid Valley. So I supposed the target place is at malls where lots of people are scurrying here and there and don't have time to notice slightest little unfortunate events. And my friend lost RM600, as the effect of this pukau memukau. May Allah protect him, protect all of us. What pissed me is that the filthy fellow has been wandering around talking about Islam when he probably doesn't even have any single knowledge about Islam and would have intended to corrupt Islam to the eyes of the people. This is non-arguably serious. And I really hope you guys could spread this message.

 

Let's not forget to recite 3 Qul and Ayat Qursi daily. Also recite bismillahi tawakkaltu 'alallah la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah al 'alim al 'azim.

 

Here is a selawat pelindung diri from Youtube

Banyakkan doa and selawat, and yakin! Yakin bahawa Dialah sebaik Pelindung. Allahu Akbar!

2. 'Foxy Loxy'

Yesterday my siblings and I went to Tok's house for a day. Baba said it's like a resting treat for me because I've been doing a lot of cooking lately :B Anyways, I've learned more recipes from Makcik and insha Allah would try to cook them myself at home for my family.

So what is this about, musang? Well,,, it's also interesting to share that the guest room downstairs at Tok's house had this absolutely intriguing bad odour that your head can't 'resist' from getting a headache because of the aweful smell. And surprise surprise, the smell had been caused by a dead fox on the ceiling! Oh please let me repeat this for you. A-dead-fox-on-the-ceiling!! Now why didn't I think of that when I first entered the room? =.=" You guys cannot possibly tell how speechless I was yesterday. I kept repeating "Hah??? Musang????!!!! Biar betul??? Eh betul kee????"

Haha kelakar pun ada. Tak sangka musang boleh ada kat tengah tengah PJ ni. I mean talk about the relevance and the venue. And it's not as if my Tok's house is surrounded with trees or situated near forest or something. Well despite how intrigued I was by this 'devastating' news of a dead fox - err of course it's devastating, I mean there was a dead fox!- I'm very much calm with the news that it's dead, or won't it harm my beloved grandparents??? The picture is hard to imagine. Wana'uzhubillah.

So makcik and tok did heard stomping sounds from the ceiling from that room and when my tok fetched my tok wan, he simply replied there is a probability the sound came from a "biawak". Right. Sure it makes sense! T__T|| But after a few days, the smell was so furiously smelly and it came through the ceiling ventilator, it was the right time to call someone for help. And that's what my tok did. She called the Odd Jobs guys to help and find out what's been giving out the foul smell. Later makcik told me the chinese guy said, "Itu musang wo! Manyak besar wo!" And he complained that their clothes were stinking because of clearing the ceiling and removing the dead poor fox. Ugh.

 

Oh and I entittled this short 'story' with Foxy Loxy as inspired by the character with the similar name in Chicken Little.

3. Chicken Porridge

 

This last 5 days, our family has been infected with fever, cough, flu and not to mention almost every one in the house, one by one, has gruf voice issues (if you know what I mean). Alhamdulillah most of us has cured, (I've got a family of 6 fyi) but Baba's fever returned again yesterday. It really got me on hold and after felt Baba's forehead, the burning sensation that triggers my hand receptors caused me to feel more worrier than ever. Not to mention Baba has got high blood pressure, a more worrisome news that we've got from the doctor three days ago. Ever since school holiday started, my mom and I, and occasionally my sister Rayyan, had been ze importante ladies in the house. Cooking is something I do more often these few months (since end october, when my long holiday started). Mama, Makcik, Tok and Mak Teh are my cooking gurus. I've learned a lot from them and alhamdulillah my cooking skills improve from time to time. During these ill days I've been taking care of Baba's foods, besides my mom being the important soul. And last time when my dad got really bad fever, I cooked him chicken porridge (for the first time) and I was glad that Baba ate it gratefully. Baba has been complimenting my cooking a lot and I can't even feeling fluttered about it thoroughly when inside me I'm very much worried of him. Last night when my mom was doing chores, I take a look at my sleeping Baba and felt the fever burn, and placed ice cubes into a small towel and placed it onto my dad's forehead. Baba taught us whenever we have fever, we should deal it with ice cubes to cool it down. It does awesome when you place it underneath your armpit and on top of your forehead. Of course you should wrap the cubes with small towel or something. Just like last time when my dad took care of me, I would want to very much be beside him whenever I could. Today, alhamdulillah, looking at Baba's face not looking red anymore and his favour of asking me to cook chicken soup (again, this was my first tryout- and my sisters and Baba complimented it ;D hehe) , makes me feel much much more grateful to Allah than ever, for returning the health, to all of us.

 

Sometimes when you stumbled upon a challenge/challenges, you will remember who you are on this earth, who you are to Allah. And also the 5 perkara sebelum 5 perkara. (yeah me and my bahasa rojak) Sihat sebelum sakit. Muda sebelum tua. Lapang sebelum sempit. Kaya sebelum miskin. Hidup sebelum mati. Every hour, every minute and every second, we should remember all the bounties given by Allah. How could we possibly be kufur nikmat to all the wonderful things He had given us. How could we commit sins at the time when we are healthy, when we are young, when we have wealth, during leisure times, and become closer to Allah when all those 'matters' turned upside down?

 

Jom muhasabah diri.

 

4. Next Week = Busy Busy Week

 

I've got lots and lots of things to do next week. Starting with within Monday and Wednesday I have to complete my work in printing and copying the necessary documents and papers I need for applying the Yayasan Cemerlang scholarship besides returning Pub and Pro file to the Law Department at CFS. Not only that I've got some sijils to be enquired from other departments, so my guess is that I have to go back to CFS for the second time. My handphone seems to become a big problem now to me because I can't make calls and send messages besides receiving phone calls and receive messages T___T Tak pasti masalah sim card ke (tapi bila masukkan kt handphone Rayyan ada service signal pulak) or masalah handphone (tapi bila sim card Rayyan masuk ok je!). Ugh. Tensi ye saya =_=|| Soo, kena pergi service center. I've been calling Celcom loads of time already and they said that my sim card is fine. So Sony service center la my destination. It's hard for not being able to receive messages or phone calls when your friends connect with you via phone most of the time.

Also insha Allah at the end of next week my sisters and I and my cousin Nadia, and my pals are going to attend one of the superb event of the year which is Twins of Faith ! :D The event held for two days, Saturday and Sunday so I considered my next weekend, pretty busy.

 

Soo I think I've celotehs too much. If any of you would like to random celoteh to me, simply post them in the comment box and I'd be happy to 'listen' :) Kbai!

 

 

 

 

Shout Out For Biasiswa-Seekers!

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

Assalamualaikum wbt peeps! :D

Sooo, as the tittle defines itself, this entry is especially for all of you who are currently seeking for scholarships, especially, if you are -like me- who are about to pursue degree levels at universities or colleges, who vitally 'need' financial assistance.

Alhamdulillah I've received my offer letter to UIAM Gombak next 29th Jan. And I've also acknowledge the amounts to be paid for my about 4 years study there as a law student. Here is a bit of my 'le offer letter' (of course, it was received via email. pfft)

Ehe nampak dok? And please don't mind why I even bother to highlight my hostel's name T_T Anyways, as you can see the average cost is quite a large sum, well of course it's incomparable to some of the critical science courses, but still. RM 46, 356 mann?!

So yeah, currently I'm an eligible scholarship seeker ;B And I've been wandering about at this awesome website! Siap bagi list of deadlines  lagi. What I could tell you guys is that it is just superbly convenient! :) I've also listed this website into my one of my Le Awesome list on the right side of my blog, bawah sket tu.

Current scholarhips opened for us seekers are Shell, Anchora-Khazanah, ... and for us future lawyers -insha Allah- (besides other common courses) the only scholarship application opened for us is Tun Rahah Scholarship Fund! or also known as Yayasan Cemerlang. Alhamdulillah! The dateline is 20th January 2013. So, apa tunggu lagi? Let's hurry up and apply :) Insha Allah jika ada rezeki tu, adalah. Doa, usaha, tawakal :D

As you can read from le terms and conditions, the minimum requirement is 5 A's in SPM/ 3 A's in STPM. Le award details:

The Award will entitle Recipient to the following:

 

a) Full scholarship: covers tuition, living expenses and full waiver on all registration and annual fees.
b) Bursary: covers tuition fees only.

This Award is not transferable and not redeemable into cash.

 

 

Please do read the terms and conditions carefully. And most important reminder here is that the borang should be sent by MAIL at the address given.

 

 

I really really, really really, really really really hope to achieve scholarship awards. It really means a lot to me. I do hope you guys could pray for my friends and I, all of us, who are dreadfully need the fund. Huhu.

 

 

Hope you guys could benefit from this entry. 'Till my next post, wassalam!

 

 

Ps. I am currently frantically in search of my SPM SLIP! T____T Please pray for me so I could find it, pronto. Huhu

 

Pss. Lots of you guys have asked me about my so-called novel-nipis (very very nipis I tell you), which is supposedly due this month o.o"" eeeeeps! Sorry guys, honestly belum habis lagi *facepalm* BUT of course I have to release it this month no matter what -insha Allah- sebab tak berapa nak gemar dengan kerja separuh jalan. Biar lambat, asal selamat? (Err)

 

 

Psss. Non fiction entittled BULI tu pun ada sequel dia. Huhu, hope you guys belum lose hope lagi. Tunggu ya! ^^" *mata berkaca* (penuh harapan kalian memahami diri ini)

"In The Remembrance of Him, Do Hearts Find Rest"

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

 

Assalamualaikum wbt peeps! :D insha Allah our usrah topic for today is a topic that should be highly discussed and pondered to, and it's depicted from Dr A'id al Qarni's lovely

Chef-d'oeuvre (read: masterpiece), Don't Be Sad / La Tahzan (page 56-58). Enjoyyyy!

 

Verily, In The Remembrance of Allah, Do Hearts Find Rest.

 

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rests." {Quran 13:28}

Truthfulness is beloved by Allah and is purifying soap for the heart. And there is no deed that gives such pleasure to the heart, or has greater reward, than the remembrance of Allah.

"Therefore, remember Me, and I will remember you." {Quran 2: 152}

Reembrance of Allah is His paradise on earth, and whoever does not enter it will not enter the Paradise of the Hereafter. Remembrance is not only a safe heaven from the problems and worries of this world, but it is also the short and easy path to achieving ultimate success. Read the various revealed texts that refer to the remembrance of Allah and you will appreciate its benefits.

When you remember Allah, clouds of worry and fear are driven away, and the mountains that make up your problems are blown away.

We should not be surprised when we hear that people who remember Allah are at peace. What is truly surprising is whow the negligent and unmindful survive without remembering Him.

"[They are] dead, lifeliess, and they know not when they will raised up." {Quran 16: 21}

O whosoever complains of sleepless nights and is in shock over his misfortune, call out His Holy Name.

"Do you know any of that is similar to Him! {There is nothing similar unto Him and He is the All-Hearer, All-Seer]" {Quran 19: 65}

To the degree that you remember Allah your heart will be calm and cheerful. His remembrance carries with it the meaning of calm and cheerful. His remembrance carries with it the meaning of total dependance upon Him, of turning Him for aid, of having good thoughts about Him, and of waiting victory from Him. Truly, He is near when supplicated. He hears when He is called and He answers when He is invoked, so humble yourself before Him, and ask of Him sincerely. Repeat His beautiful blessed name, and mention Him as being alone worthy of worship. mention His praises, supplicate to Hima nd ask forgiveness from Him; you will then find -by the will of Allah- happiness, peace, and illumination.

"So Allah gave them reward of this world, and the excellent reward of the Hereafter." {Quran 3:148}

"The Past is Gone Forever."

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

 

 

Assalamualaikum wbt to my dear readers :D Alhamdulillah suddenly the feeling of yearning to blog trespass the 'barrier of blogging laziness' within me. Yes, sometimes I do get that kind of feeling, especially that you have been thinking and arranging words to be formed in your mind but realized you are 'too lazy' to type it out and share with lots of wonderful people. Well, this is certainly an attitude I should change, especially that when I've niat that I want to share beneficial posts with you guys.

 

 

Insha Allah this entry as you could read from the tittle, I've extracted it from a book that I'm currently engrossed to and read -besides Mazha Yakni and Hunger Games- La Tahzan or Don't Be Sad by Dr A'id al-Qarni. I would definitely suggest this highly beneficial book to you guys! This book is highly recommendable due to its functions as a key to happiness and a gateway to become a much much better Muslim. The tittle is one of its subtopic and I surely hope you guys could finish reading this whole entry and hopefully gain lots of benefits from it. ( ) marks the synonyms of the word before it, because this book's vocabulary are a bit tough to us -normal english speaking with moderate number of grammatical errors understanding- Anyway, the most important thing that I would love to highlight is that this book as mentioned by the author has been written "for anyone who is living through pain and grief or who has been afflicted with a hardship, a hardship that results in sadness and restless nights. For the cure, I have filled the pages of this book with dosages taken from various sources- the Quran, the Sunnah, poetry, poignant anecdotes (narrative story of incidents), parables (legends), and true stories."

 

 

By brooding over the past and its tragedies, one exhibits a form of insanity- a kind of sickess that destroys resolve to live for the present moment. Those who have a firm purpose have filed away and forgotten occurrences of the past, which will never again see light, since they occupy such a dark place in the recesses (rest) of the mind. Episodes of the past are finished with; sadness cannot retrieve them, melancholy cannot make things right, and depression will never bring the past back to life. This is becaue the past is non-existent. (no longer exist)

 

Do not live in the nightmares of former times or under the shade of what you have missed. Save yourself from the ghostly apparition (phantom) of the past. Do you think that you can return the sun to the place of rising, the baby to a mother's womb, milk to the udder, or tears to the eye? By constantly dwelling on the past and its happenings, you place yourself in a very frightful and tragic state of mind.

 

Reading too much into the past is a waste of the present. When Allah mentioned the affairs of the previous nations, He, the Exalted, said: {That was the nation who has passed away.} (Quran 2:134)

Former days are gone and done with, and you benefit nothing by carrying out an autopsy over them, by turning back the wheels of history.

 

The person who lives in the past, is like someone who tries to saw sawdust. Of old, they used to say: "Do not remove the dead from their graves."

 

Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated (ramshackle) buildings. If every man and every jinn were to try jointly to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season - and so should you.