The Broken One

Now the time shows exactly 10.10 pm.
I have finished writing about this; below.





I am appalled.
With myself.
After browsing through the group page, I know that I don't belong there.

There.
With them.
With each and every one of them.

I may be tall, but I am so little compared to them.
I may be 21 year old human, but I am not wise compared to them.

Their knowledge.
Their attitude.
I don't have those.

Their happiness.
I could feel although our connections are via the web, I don't deserve that.

Do I even deserved to be a part of them, like they claimed I am?

I am easily torn.
I am easily broken.
I may look strong on the surface.
But I am full of holes beneath it.

Just three weeks of break, I could easily be destroyed.
Just three weeks of departures, I could easily be shattered.

I know they have held strong of my hands.
I know they have given me love.
I know they have given me care.

But looking at myself and back at them, I am just unwarranted being.

One of them said, "perubahan itu daripada diri sendiri. ubah keadaan diri dengan tangan sendiri"




I should just stay quiet now.
If I can't change myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to change for the better.
If I can't ensure I act to the best akhlak, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to act better.
If I can't safeguard myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to do the same.


If I can't walk the talk, I should just shut up.


This is how I feel right now.
Yes, I don't have confidence in myself.
Yes, I feel ashamed in myself.

Try as hard as any of you can, to reach me, for I'm hiding behind  the shield of my own, that you can't trespass.
I'm broken now. Can any of you even fix me?

Gadis

Gadis petah berkata,

Gadis banyak ragamnya,

Gadis seronok hingga alpa,

Gadis lupa dia hamba,

Gadis ada ilmu fard dalam dada,

Gadis bersuara perihal agama,

Gadis cakap tak serupa bicara,

Gadis sedar dia manusia,

Gadis pelupa hati penuh dosa,

Gadis langkahnya ada masa, tiada makna,

Gadis kurang bijaksana,

Gadis lemah tak bermaya,

Gadis lalai dengan nikmat dunia,

Gadis kurang bersyukur begitulah gamaknya,

Gadis masih berusaha sebaiknya,

Gadis tak ingin lagi leka,

Gadis ingin bangkit dari lena,

Gadis harus sedar umur tamat entah bila,

Gadis harus sedar tanggungjawab terhadap ibu bapa,

Gadis harus sedar dunia ini fana,

Gadis harus sedar dunia ini sementara,

Gadis harus sedar akhirat kekal selamanya,

Gadis harus sedar Tuhan Maha Melihat segalanya,

Gadis harus lebih bijak urus dirinya,

Gadis harus teguh imannya,

Gadis harus kuat lawan nafsunya,

Gadis harus kuat lawan bisikan syaitan durjana,

Gadis harus jadi solehah kerana Tuhannya,

Gadis terima segala teguran buatnya,

Gadis berkata “tegurlah aku wahai sahabat semua,

Gadis berkata “ingatkanlah aku masa mendahului usia,

Gadis berkata “masa takkan menunggu kita,

Gadis berkata “masa mudaku kan ditanya olehNya,

Gadis berkata “tegurlah aku jika aku lalai dan leka,

Gadis berkata “tegurlah aku, aku tidak mahu lemah sentiasa,

Gadis berkata “jiwaku ibarat kaca,

Gadis berkata “jika terjatuh meskipun sedikit kan terkesan jua,

Gadis berkata “aku perlukan sahabat yang membimbingku di jalanNya,

Gadis berkata “peganglah aku erat wahai sahabat semua,

Gadis berkata “moga Allah ampuni dosa kita,

Gadis berkata “moga Allah lindungi kita,

Gadis berkata “moga Allah anugerahkan ketenangan jiwa,

Gadis berkata “moga Allah tetapkan hati kita pada agamaNya.”

--Gadis ini namanya Raihana.