Reblogging The Past

25th March 2012

A Husband Like My Father

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.

I guess it has been awhile since I've last posted about my life in regards to love and future. Just a short post (I hope, if my fingers could possiby stop typing) .

If Allah wills it, and I really really hope is to have a husband like my father. Alhamdulillah, I couldn't stop thanking Him more for giving me the chance to have my dad as my father. I couldn't stop being grateful to Him more for every moments that I'd shared and insha Allah going to share with my dad. Every blissful moments, every moments that are always meaningful.

My dad is my first love. As for a guy who involved in my life. His love and care to all of us siblings really made me feel that I'm always special. Although I have two other sisters, who are also my dad's 'beautiful princesses' and a brother, my parents' hero, I seem to feel that I'm my dad's only special princess. If you can imagine, how my dad's love and care and tenderness but also strictness in regards to religion, had made me feel so loved, so being cared for.

My dad taught me about Islam since small. Alhamdulillah. The five compulsory prayers, as salaah, fasting during the month of ramadhan, the holy Quran and basic islamic teachings had been taught and inculcated in all of us since little. Not to forget my mom, who is also a wonderful help. My dad would conduct usrah at least once a week. He would talk about hadeeth that he'd just read or learned from a ceramah that he went or from Ustaz. Or we would learn about tawheed during our family usrah which is usually conducted after maghrib. Or any other fundamentals of Islam.

When any of us falls sick,  he would first feed us with honey or habatus sauda as Rasulullah (PBUH) had said, habatus sauda could cure any disease but death. Then my dad wold say, "If you fall sick, I would feel the sickness too. I would be very worried of you. So please take care of you health. Don't forget to eat the honey, it's very good for your health. Don't forget to drink water 8 times a day." when we cry, my dad would say " don't cry, because I would cry too" "If any of you feel sad, baba would feel sad too".

He taught us that niat lillahita'ala is very important. If we cover our aurah because of him "then if I die, you won't be covering your aurah anymore. Because I won't be here to scold you". Whatever that he's taught us, about Islam, my dad said to do it because Allah had told us to do it. Not him. So that we could be istiqamah in everything that we do.

When I feel down because of my results, my tears never fail to wet his shirt. I would always be in his hugs, and his words of tenderness calms me always. "Let this be your starting point to become better in the future. True muslims won't fall into the same hole twice. Let this be a lesson to you. Study hard. Make your parents proud of you" "Allah is always there for you. Cry to Him. He will always listen." He is always fond of kids. He would never fail to greet us in his arms with warm hugs and showers us with kisses. Until now, he would kiss my cheeks or forehead whenever he send me to or picked me from the university.

Alhamdulillah. Whenever I'm with him and my mom, I'm happy. Although we have our ups and downs, I'm just grateful to Him because He'd gave me the chance to be in this family. Wealth is never the key to happiness. My family is just average. But the important facet has always been knowledge. A family should be filled with islamic teachings and knowledge and love. I couldn't imagine my life without my dad, without my mom. To my friends who don't have a dad or a mom, or even both, I'm so overwhelmed with the strong hearts that you guys owned. I know that someday, a day will come when either me or my parents will go and meet our God. But for me, I hope I would go first. I don't know if I'm able to bear if I lose them.

How is it my husband should be like my father? First is that you're not a smoker =P I can't stand and accept silent killer. Secondly, you should be religious, you perform your prayers, you would teach me further to become a much better muslim. You can teach our children insha Allah to become much much better muslims than us. And then of course, you must not hate children. Because insha Allah, I would never mind to have many children because like my parents and my grandparents and everyone around me always say that children is nikmah, or rezeki. They are the true wealth in a family. Fourthly, you take care of your family just like my father took care of my family or maybe better. You would respect my dad, my mom just like you respect your parents. My dad loves to talk, especially about Islam or politics. Hope you could know much about things around you so that you could get the chance to have your say too ^^" You should be strong and strict on Islamic matters. And Islam should be the utmost priority in your life. Allah's orders should be in the most top chart in your life. Not me, not our children.

Insha Allah I will try my best to become the best wife for you. If you are wealthy, then that's just a bonus for me. If you're not, then we could work something out, together. Allah won't burden us with something that we couldn't bear. I hope I'm not too picky ^^"

"You" is someone I myself cannot figure out, yet. May Allah bless us all.

November 26th,2011

If I Die Young : Pre- Death Note (Part 1)

Sometimes when I waste my time on simply thinking,

thinking about everything,

every aspect of my life,

I had been thinking about me leaving this world.

How will my life ends?

Of course I don't have answer to that.

But how would I like my life to end?

I know that I myself have the answer to that question.

I don't know about you or anyone who wants to die young,

as far as I know almost everyone wants to live long.

I, myself prayed for that,

to live long I mean.

I don't think I have much experiences.

I think by going through those experiences,

I'll learn about life better.

I really want to become a successful lawyer.

Although right now I'm not sure what kind of lawyer that I would like to be.

But I really want the experiences that I will get being a lawyer.

I really want to marry early and experience the life as a wife.

I want to become a mother and have my own kids.

I want to live happily ever after with my own family.

I know that by dreaming to have those kinds of experiences,

age is one of the biggest factor that could help me achieve those wonderful moments.

I know that by wanting those kinds of moments,

only His wills could accomplish those for me.

Insha Allah, I entrusted my prayers to Him,

I believe in happiness.

I believe in His words in the verse 186 Surah Al Baqarah.

But what if I die young?

If I die young,

as young as 20,

as young as now,

of course it's obvious that I wouldn't be living the moments that I really wanted to indulge in.

Like I said I'd thought about this,

I'd made some unwritten plans.

Make some plans that although I couldn't achieve my dreams that will possibly happen after my teen years,

I should live happy despite my body slowly welcoming death.

I don't know when I'm going to die.

I don't know where I'm going to die.

I don't know who will see me die.

I don't know all that to make a highly organized plan for me to be a happy person who will die young.

But I know one thing,

I should live according to the Holy Quran.

I should live according to Allah's words.

My plans?
Insha Allah from now on,
I'm aiming to become a better daughter.
To become a better sister.
To become a better student.
To become a better Muslim.
Every day must be a new day for me.
Every day must be better than yesterday.
Ya Allah,
Please help me for I'm weak.
Please forgive my sins for I'm vulnerable to devil's whispers.
Please answer my prayers for You're the only One who can answer them.
No God beside You,
The Almighty The Great.

If I die young,

I really want my family,

mama, baba, rayyan, raihan and razeen,

to know what exactly have been lingering inside my mind.

I've been wanting to say all these,

but my throat and lips would suddenly become dry.

I would swallow all the words,

and I don't know when will be the day for me to speak up.
But right now,
I think it's the best time for me to actually write all of it.

Mama,

you don't know how grateful I was to you as my mother.

I thank Allah that my mother is you.

Baba,

you don't know how lucky I was to have you as my superman.

I thank Allah that my father is you.

I'm sorry for every mistakes that I'd done to both of you.

I'm sorry if I ever make you sad,

make you mad.

I'm sorry if I don't act like a daughter,

I'm sorry for not listening to your words well.

I'm sorry for the failures that I caused you.

I'm sorry if I'd torn your hearts in two.

I'm sorry for not being the smartest kid in town.

I'm sorry if I'd tear you down.

I'm sorry for not having the chances to buy a wonderful house,

to take both of you to Mecca again,

to travel the world with both of you,

with the money that I'll earn.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Thank you for everything, ma, ba.

Thank you for all of the wonderful and happy moments that both of you had shared with me.

Thank you for preaching words of Islam to me ever since I was born.

Thank you for the good foods both of you fed me.

Thank you for being the Superbaba and Wondermama in my life.

Insha Allah 'till we meet again.

To my siblings,

rayyan,raihan and razeen.

I'm sorry for all the shouting and angry words.

I'm sorry for being a lousy big sister.

I'm sorry if I'd done wrong to you guys.

I'm sorry if I'd caused you guys in trouble for what I did.

I'm sorry for not being able to keep being your big sister,

who will always be there to comfort you with hugs and to wipe your tears.

Please take care of ba and ma for me.

Please keep being good muslim girls and boy.

Please take care of yourselves.

My dear baby brother,

take care of our family when I'm gone.

Don't ever smoke, don't play around with girls.

Don't be like the usual guys you shall meet in the future,

be the unusual guys who hang out in His home.

Your responsibilities are big, sweetie.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm sorry again adik adik akak.

Thank you for enlightened my world,

with your laughters, your smiles and your worlds that you guys had been willing to share them with me.

Thank you for everything.

Insha Allah, 'till we meet again.

To my big family,

I'm sorry for any of my wrong doings,

I'm sorry for everything.

Please forgive me,

please take care of my family well.

To Sarah, Nadia, Husna, Munirah, Ahmad,

you guys are among my favourite cousins that always there for me.

I'm sorry for any wrong doings,

and thank you so very much for everything.

The kindness, the supports, the moments.

I love each and every one of you,
really.

Pray for me always.
Please never stop pray for me.
So Allah forgive my sins.

 

December 10th, 2011

If I Die Young : Pre- Death Note (Part 2)

Honestly,

it's kinda hard for me to pour out the feelings that I had kept inside my heart,

the blend of feelings that I've had when I'm with my friends,

my friends that had willing to sacrifice their time, energy and almost everything,

just to be there for me,

just to comfort me when I'm feeling low,

just to make me laugh and made my day,

just to make me feel special,

just to be my friend.

I thank Him for all the chances that I'd get to know all of them,

such special people,

such wonderful friends.

Since small,

I've never failed to make friends.

Alhamdulillah all of my friends,

they really really made my day,

although we've gone through tears and fights,

in the end of the day,

we will be holding hands with each other,

trying to create another memory,

with Blissful entitled to it.

I'm sorry,

friends,

for every wrong doings that I'd done to you guys,

for every moments that I'd failed to be there for all of you as a friend,

for every moment that I'd failed to help all of you when you needed me the most,

for every mistakes, and every hurting words,

and I'm sorry if I couldn't help to ease all of your burden,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

will all of you forgive me?

Will all of you remember me as a good friend,

despite my mistakes,

despite my wrong doings,

I know that not all of you can forgive me if I'd done wrong to any of you.

I'm sorry that I'm easily forgetful,

if I couldn't be there to comfort all of you on time,

and apologize on time,

before your hearts torn deep,

because of me.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Thank you to all of my friends,

for every laughter,

for every joy,

for every happy moments,

for every meaningful moments,

for every support,

for every pray,

for everything.

Thank you very much friends.

All I need later is continuous pray,

for me from all of you.

Thank you my friends for everything.

To write down every moments that we'd shared here,

although it'll be wonderful to replay it, it'll be a long story.

It's not that I mind if I get to share our moments together to the world,

so that everyone could be envious of me,

it's just that every moments all of us had shared together,

have so many chapters and only be fair if the story been told from all of us together.

I'll never forget every moments,

sad, happy, tearful, joyful, moments with all of you.

Thank you again for everything.

To my primary school friends at Sekolah Rendah Islam Pintar,
Class of 7 Al- Farabi and,
especially to Nabihah, Anis, Nur Aisyah, Atikah, Farhana, Hanif, Naim, Azim.

To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menengah Taman Ilmu dan Budi,
Class of 1,2,3 Al- Farabi, my mentees, and,
especially to Husna, Kyra, Qila, Hanani, Tera, Alia, Aisyah, Kak Fatin, Fatin naqiya, Nana,
Zaid, Mawi, Zafran, Rizwan, Arief.

To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menengah Sri Aman,
Class of 4 Sains Bakti and ,
especially to Amiera, Syahira, Adha, Iman, Sabrina.

To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menegah Kebangsaa Agama KL,
Class of 4 Ali and 5 Othman, Batch SPM 2010, Dorm Jauhari, my adik adik usrah tersayang, and,
especially to Insyirah, Jannah, Nab, Aimisya, Fasyak, Pah, Unie, Kak Ecah, Ayu, Wanimer, Yati,
Norain, Saffana, Nailah, Anis, Nani, Auni, ND, Syaierah Kaswan, Syafa,
Sobah, Mia, Syamin, Muslihah, Ana, Syaza, Nazira,
Nabihah, Syahira, Tun, and all of Puteri Form 5 2010.

To my friends that I've known from PLKN,
especially to Diyanah, Fatin Nurafiqah, Sheena, Fatin, Wana Wani, Izyan, Azura, Janah.

To my friends in CFS IIUM,
Law Group 323,
especially to Waniey, Bella, Shameema, Minn, Artika, Fara, Marina, Amal,
Aina, Husna, Faezah, Hanan, Ummi, Azura.

Guys, I want to apologize for any, any of my wrong doings.
Please halalkan segalanya.
Please take care of yourselves.
Jaga solat, jaga aurat, jaga kesihatan.

And thank you, thank you for EVERYTHING.
I cannot say thanks enough.
I cannot apologize enough.


I know my two pre-death notes aren't enough to explain everything.
But I really hope all of you could accept my apologies.
I'm trying, trying to be better. Insha Allah.
Everyday should be anew day for me.
Everyday should be a better Rai.

Take care.
May Allah bless all of you ~

April 26th, 2011

Beautiful Is You

Assalamualaikum and a very good 5. 03 pm in the evening : )

This post is not the short story that I've promised you in my previous movie promotion (hahaha), apparently just another post that I've thought not once, not twice but thrice whether I should post this or not. And I really hope you guys would read this until the end before you make any abrubt conclusion. Okay.

Everything in this world, everyone in this world that He has created are beautiful. And no one and I mean NO ONE could change that fact. It is true that some things in physical they look "not- beautiful -like- I -claimed- in- my post" but if you look deeper or think deeper or learn deeper like if you take Biology, everything is so specific, so beautifully made, so wondefully created by Him. You, have no right to say to certain things or certain people ugly, oh hodoh gila, oh tak cantik! And right now, I'm emphasizing on the beauty of every girls in this planet.

I'm sure you know that beautiful is a nikmat or gift that He has lent to us. It is not something that you'll get to keep forever. Beauty will fade according to time, as it passes by. But still unfortunately, some girls who think they're beautiful, they didn't use it for goodness but they commercialised their beauty so that the whole world could see how amazingly beautiful they are. And comercialised here doesn't just mean by modelling, any work that requires us to face the public. And I'm not talking about girls who cover themselves, I'm talking about girls who doesn't. Please always remember, anytime, anywhere He can take your beauty, because after all, it is His.

And now, to other things. I'm not saying that I'm pretty or even beautiful, there are many, many other girls in my school, out there who are more , much more bautiful than I am but praises are all for Him, but somehow, I usually get the compliments. But it doesn't matter at all to me. If you think I am pretty than Alhamdulillah, this beauty fyi, is never mine. But sometimes things are different for every girls. I remember during lunch last year, my friend said this to me " Wah, Rai. Bestlah jadi awak ni. Selalu ke awak kena puji camtu? " I stopped eating abrubtly, and I was blushing plus puzzled. I don't really remember what makes she said "..selalu ke awak kena puji camtu" but if I'm not mistaken before that, juniors were complimenting me or something like that. I said " Manade. biase je. Tak untung apa2 pun la wak" well something like that. But then she added, "haha, kita tak pernah pun kena puji camtu" That makes me feel bad, not for her, but for myself. Why not for her? Then are you saying oh pity her, tak pernah kena puji! No! Actually she should know that I don't deserve any compliments at all! Being complimented is not great at all! To me, each and every one of the girl in this world is beautiful. We should be greatful of what we have, of what we are. And I'm sure you know that there also many other human beings on earth who got Allah's test, maybe blind, deaf, mute, and I also sometimes feel envious when look at other beautiful girls with flawless and porcelain skin, something like Nivea ads - -""" But it's wrong, if I'm a good believer, I shouldn't act that way, I should just be greatful for what I am now. And for your information girls, I know that getting compliments is something that all of us always yearn for especially on beauty, but whatever it is, all the praises doesn't belong to us, but belongs to Him.

My dad always say when he hugs my sisters and I, and when he kisses our cheeks, "Alhamdulillah, cantik cantik anak baba ni. Kalau kita nak puji seseorang tu, puji Allah dulu. Sebab kecantikan tu milik Dia." No worries, in Akhirat insha Allah, if we are good and pious believers, our faces will shine, we will have an eternal beauty. Whatever it is, we have to take care of ourselves. Take care of our relationship with Him and with the people around us.

Beauty is not physical. It is in the eye of the beholder. If you have wonderful heart, you are always beautiful.
Never frets when you look at yourself in front of the mirror, looks can be deceiving, but always make sure that your heart is clean. Beautiful is you.

March 14th, 2011 

Trapped Within

Have you seen a box

sealed so tight,

that when you take it and shake it,

you can hear a sound,

that makes you wonder,

that makes you suspicious,

whatever inside the tight sealed box?

Have you seen a trunk

shut so tight,

by an oversized chain,

that when you forced it to open,

you'll just brake your manicured nails,

that even when you use the crowbar,

it just won't work,

this makes you feel frustrated,

this makes you feel angry,

however shall it going to be opened?

Have you seen a girl,

that look so pale,

look so numb,

have red rimmed eyes,

look confused,

look pressured,

at somewhat that has been bothering her.

Have you seen a girl trapped within her own mistakes?

It's all my fault.

It's all because I never think before I do.

It's all because of giving to people a lot.

No, you can give,

but it depends on what you give.

There's no next time.

And you can't hit Rewind.

You can't even linger your finger at Pause.

Because it has happened.

Now you just have to make it all better.

You just have to work yourself out.

Work yourself out of the box.

Work yourself out of the trunk.

Work yourself out of your mistakes.

Ya Allah, help me.

And no one can help me but You.

April 28th, 2011

Hear My Whispers, Please

I stare at the blue sky.

I stare at the sun.

I stare at the tall trees with birds chirping happily.

I stare at the girl who has a sad face.

I stare at girl who is crying silently.

I stare at the girl who is looking right back at me.

Oh that girl is me.

I'm standing infront of a mirror,

thinking,

wondering,

crying,

then I turn my body to where I pray,

asking,

begging,

kneeling,

whispering.

I said with the softest voice I could,

"Oh My Lord,

You are the Almighty,

You are the Powerful,

You are the All -Compassionate,

You are the Gracious,

You are the All -Merciful.

To You I find peace.

To You I beg forgiveness.

To You I confide my secrets.

To You I pour my feelings.

You are All Knowing, All Seeing.

You understand how I am right now.

I'm in a dump.

I'm in the sea,

drowning,

waving my hands,

seeking for help.

To You I seek help.

To You I seek peace.

To You my heart will rest."

"Ya Allah,

I'm your slave.

I beg for your forgiveness.

I beg for your mercy.

I'll never leave sins,

I'm always sinned,

everyday.

For I am only human.

And I'm weak.

To You I seek my strength.

To You I seek protection.

Ya Allah,

forgive me.

As no one forgive sins but You."

"Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem.

You are my source where I repent.

Ya Salam,

You are my source of peace.

Ya Muhaimin,

You are my forever guardian.

Ya 'Aziz,

You are my source of victory,

to You I seek my victory.

Ya Mutakabbir, Ya Khaliq,

You are the Greatest and I'm just little,

You are my Creator and I'm your slave,

listen to my whispers,

listen to my prayers,

My Lord.

Ya 'Alim,

You are my source of knowledge,

to You I seek brilliance.

Ya Basit,

You are my source of relieve,

forever and always.

Ya 'Adl,

You are just,

to You I seek justice in my life.

Ya Ghafur,

You are my forgiver, and hider of all my faults.

To You I seek forgiveness.

To You I repent.

Ya Karim,

You are the Generous,

so to You I pray for my blessing and blissful in life.

Ya Mujib,

You are the Responder to Prayers.

That's why I put my trust on You.

That's why I pray to You.

Because,

you are my Lord.

You are my God."

"Lead me always Ya Allah.

So that I am more pious.

So that I have more iman and taqwa.

So that I am a happy woman.

So that I am a happy human being."

"Ya Allah,

thank you for all the nikmahs You had given me.

Thank you for the iman.

Thank you for Islam being my religion.

Thank you for supportive and loving my family.

Thank you for my supportive and loving friends.

Thank you.

Thank you.

For everything."

"Hear my whispers always.

Hear my prayers always.

Because You are my everything."

Ameen.

December 26th, 2010 

Flashbacks by Raihana Nadhira

I remember how everything was perfect. You told me you will be there whenever I needed you. You told me how beautifully amazing I was when we met for the first time. Then, you told me that, you will never left me alone, because, you said you are my guardian angel. Reminiscing that night when you said "I have to go away. I'm sorry" and you left without no more words spoken, you left me speechless, and you made me pouring down hot streaming tears. You are unforgiven.

I remember how everything was tough. I remember I was at the stable, taking care of those horses that you and I use to rode. I haven't heard of you since that night. At that time it was almost six months since you left me, without calls and letters, I couldn't know how you are, where you are and why you left me. I was angry and frustated because all you said to me before was a lie. My heart was torn, throbbing in pain. I couldn't endure it, and my eyes kept welding up tears. I remember when I came to your house the other day after you went away, I knocked once, then twice, then many times, hard enough to break it down. I shouted your name, but there was no response. Of course, I was knocking at the door of an empty house.

I remember how everything was troubled. I remember when I was walking at the park from my college to my apartment in King's Street, I stumbled upon you. All of my college assignments strewn everywhere. You helped me to pick up all of the papers. It was three years after you left me, and suddenly you showed up again. Why? You made my heart torn again. We just stand there, looked at each other, studying each others' faces. You looked different. You looked somewhat, paler, and weaker. You looked at me, but I could see that your eyes looked through me. You were studying your beloved face. I smiled, my eyes weld up with tears again and I tried to touch your face but you looked away. Suddenly, you turned and you ran. I could see your feet brought you away from me as fast as if I was also running, trying to catch you, trying to reach you. But I was just standing there, where you left me, feeling dumbfounded what I just did, to make you go away, again.

I remember when I was busy. Busy looking up names, searching your name in the internet. I googled, and your name suddenly popped up in the centre of my computer. I plastered a smile. I finally found you. My housemate said that I was a fool, trying to find you when you're the one who left me. But somehow, although I was still mad at you for breaking your promises, deep down I felt as if you weren't purposely left me. I could tell when I looked into your soft hazel eyes this evening. Are you alright? I wrote down your address, and that night I walked out of my apartment, determined to see you and put away the memories of three miserable years of my life behind me.

I remember when I rang the doorbell. I rang many times, I called your name, I cried. I reminisced how I felt when I knocked your door last three years. I didn't bear to fail this time, no not this time. Just after a few moments, the door opened, and a familiar looking woman was standing in front of me. It was your mother, looking beautiful like always, like you. She was surprised to see me, and I was surprised even more when she quickly hugged me. She asked why I never called them and send letters. I was puzzled, I told her how you left me that night without telling me why, without telling me where you will be going. She wasn't prepared for this and she broke down. I helped her to sit in the kitchen. And then she said, "Oh honey, I thought he has told you. I'm sorry." I said to her I don't want an apology but an explanation. So, she told me your story.

I remember when my cheeks are wet again. I remember I was in a ward, your ward. I walked into the room with a heavy heart, because I couldn't bear seeing you like that. You turned to look at me, and you let your tears fall. You said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I couldn't take care of you anymore." I broke down beside you. And I remember I hugged you and finally I'm in your arms that had always been guarding me. "I love you. So please, don't leave me again. Never." And we remained quiet to capture that moment, that soon will end.

I remember when I read your letter, that you has wrote for me the day before you left me. A special letter for a special someone, you said. And to me an explanation that I have been trying to find. You wrote; ".... You are my one true love, and you can never be replaced sweetheart. I could never stop loving you because you are truly a special woman in my life. You brought happiness in my life and you should know that your laughters has always been my favourite. I am really lucky, to have you inside my life. I would never regret that I had lend you my heart.
I'm sorry. But I have to go. I couldn't live beside you anymore because I 'm not strong enough to see you cry. I'm sick. And it is killing me slowly. I've diagnosed with brain cancer. And you could tell that I'm dying. I must let you go because I don't want you to see me like this. I'm sorry. And I love you. Please take care. And please.... forget me." My lips trembled. And I cried again.

I remember when the air was windy when you has gone. I remember I walked towards your grave and kneeled down to lay the flowers. All of your family were there. I could see your mother and her red rimmed eyes. She has cried enough. And I thought that I had too. I'm ready to let you go. And I want to tell you that my sweetheart, your love could never be replaced. I will always cherished our memories that we have shared together and I promise I will take care of myself. And I'm going to miss you. Badly.Thanks for the memories. Thank you for letting me be part of your life. And in your heart is forever I'll be.

I remember when I wrote this story. I remember when I told the New York Times publisher that I would like to share my story. I said, "Hi, my name is Rachel. And I've got story to tell."

THE END.

February 28th, 2010

The Unpredicted.

Please Raihana. Please. Don't suffocate me. I really, really need that air, the air of your beautiful soul. Wake up. Wake up. And let me breathe.
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Well, you seemed to be curious of me, do you? Don't be Raihana. Don't look at me with that so-shocked big eyes of yours because I'm here already! I'm here! I know that you've been expecting me, I guess I just have to come early and meet you. Ha-ha! Look at you! So helpless, so insecure, so dumbfounded.. and yet, you've grown so fast, so fast indeed. You've grown taller! My, such a beautiful girl! No more Raihana that I used to met years ago, huh? What? What's that? You've been the same alright! Ha-ha! Shut that big mouth up honey! I don't give a well heck to whatever you're saying now, see? I came for a reason. You need me now. Look at you! You've cried for me, isn't that right baby? That's right. That's right. I don't want to stay any longer either. But what I want is that you listen to me. Yes, that's right. Just listen and do what I'm gonna tell you and then I'll leave you in peace. Yes honey, in peace indeed.

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This is all your fault!! There's no way turning back, isn't there? Why? Why? Why me Raihana? Why me? I've been living in your shoes long enough! That smelly shoes of laziness, of lack of discipline, of lousyness, of whatever things that aren't right! I'm bored okay? I've got my own life! I've got my own future! You've changed a lot, yes, changed Raihana! I agree with her. She was all the way right! For the past 4 years and 2 months, all I could feel was exasperation, no, that's true, that I've learned a lot with you in those years, and honestly, I had fun too with you and your friends. But they are not the problem. You are! You are the problem! This is true that you've learned many many valuable and imperative things of your life throughout those years but some part of you. I don't know, they seemed to be not in the right place. I really want you back Raihana. The true you. I know she's still there somewhere. I know it. Please Raihana, please. Wake up. Wake up and let me breathe. Let me. Let me.

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So you wanted peace huh? You wanted your peace now is it? That's good. You've learned to understand your situation now. One thing that I just got to tell you. One thing so that that girl won't suffer because of you!
You have to go back. Yes you heard me! Stand up and go back Raihana! Go back! Go back alright! YOU! You have to go back. Where to honey? Can't you remember at all? The slightest memory? Can't you remember that the times when you were younger and adulterated, if that word is suitable, ... can't you remember? Yes? So what is it? What is it that you remembered my child? And STOP CRYING LIKE A DAMN BABY! That's right. Speak to me. Speak to me clearly. Don't mumble. Speak. Speak.

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Speak Raihana. Speak. Come on girl! I know that you wanted it too. I know that you missed those precious memories badly. I know that you are willing to let yourself into that. Into the page of lost years. The page inside the book of your life that you've once let it opened and tear it to million pieces. And now, she gave you the power Raihana. The power to call back those teared pieces. Those magically bautiful pieces of your life. And that is when you were twelve Raihana. Yes, when you were in year 6. That girl Raihana. That 5 feet 5 inches tall girl that you have forgotten. Yes, you've seen her before. In the mirror remember? Yes. That girl Raihana. That girl. Now wake up. Wake up Raihana.

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STOP! STOP! STOP SHOUTING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF ANIMAL! I KNEW I WAS WRONG! I knew. I knew B. I knew. Now, stop! Yes, H. Yes, I want to let myself into it. I want to let myself calling the missing pieces. Those, precious pieces. Yes. I want to be that girl back That twelve year old girl. I missed her. I missed her H, I really do. Badly H. Badly. You've awaken me H. I'm awake now. You can breathe now H. You can breathe. And B, you were right. I called you sometimes, occasionally for some reason that I wasn't sure about. But now you had came and honestly, I was a bit scared, petrified of the way you just treated me. But I understand now why you did that. No hard feelings, really. Thank you. Thank you both of you. I realized now that I need to be inside that twelve year old girl. She was very special now I've remembered. So special to me now. And look. I've called those precious pieces. That page that I've torned is now back! Look! O Allah I'm so happy! I'm so happy now. Really. I'm so happy!. Lord, let me be in this way, forever. Guide me O Allah. Guide me. And forgive me Allah. No one forgive sins but You. And thank You Lord, for giving me two most wonderful thing in my life; a Brain and a Heart. Thank You Allah. Thank You. Now I'M AWAKE!