POEMS

SHE HAS CHANGED

Look at her,

Look at how she has changed,

Into a better change,

I could see how those changes,

Gave her true happiness,

And I watched her smile.

She has covered herself so well,

I cannot deny,

She looked more beautiful than ever,

My eyes set on her;

That inner beauty of hers.

Every day she seems to look new,

Additional that make her look better,

I look at her from afar,

My knuckles tightened,

My head fell down.

She once had no experience,

Of an ambience that taught one well,

To become a better Muslim,

Yet she strived,

To become better,

Each day.

I wonder,

How much have He loved her,

That she became prettier than ever,

That inner beauty of hers.

Can I say I love Him as much as her?

When our inner selves differ from one another,

She could strive to become better,

But why can’t I?

As my eyes look down,

My knuckles loosened,

My heart speaks softly;

‘If you love Him,

And wants Him to love you,

Strive harder to become better.’

‘She could be your motivation,’

My heart continued.

And so I agree,

There is no doubt to that.

This poem is for a dear friend of mine,

Whose inner beauty truly shines,

Her face suddenly flashes in my mind,

I smile.

She has changed.

-          8:02 am, 3^rd Ramadhan 1434 H

AKU SEORANG PENDOSA

Ku terduduk lama,

Suasana hening di sekelilingku,

Ku mendongak ke langit,

Dan air mata mulai berlinangan di kelopak mataku.

Hatiku sebak,

Memikirkan dosa dan salah silap yang menggunung tinggi,

Memikirkan nikmat-nikmatNya yang telah kukufuri.

Aku telah melampaui batas,

Lalai dan tidak bernas,

Dalam mengurusi  masa,

Yang terasa amat laju putarannya,

Dan aku seperti ditinggalkan sendirian,

Bersama dosa-dosaku.

Aku merenung jauh,

Mengenang coretan-coretan cerita,

Yang terasa indah dalam kamus hidupku.

Terngiang-ngiang pesanan ibu bapaku,

Terpancar wajah-wajah naqibah dan ahli usrahku,

Terbayang bibir-bibir sahabat-sahabatku,

Mereka seru ayat-ayat cinta Tuhanku,

Dan mereka tidak pernah jemu,

Memimpin tanganku,

Memeluk tubuhku,

“Agar kau sentiasa berada di jalanNya.

Agar kau thabat dan istiqamah di jalanNya, Raihana”

Kutundukkan wajahku,

Wajahku yang hina,

Menghadap Tuhan Yang Maha Esa.

Ya Tuhan,

Engkau kurniakanku ibu bapa yang menyeruku kepada agamaMu,

Engkau kurniakanku sahabat-sahabat yang mengingatiku kepadaMu,

Namun aku seperti manusia yang tidak mengenang budi,

Yang tidak tahu membalas dengan kemuliaan budi pekerti,

Aku tidak akur pada perintahMu,

Aku lalai dengan pesanan-pesanan mereka yang aku sayang,

Aku tidak menghargai nikmat-nikmat pemberianMu,

Aku manusia hina!

Aku manusia berdosa!

Ya Allah,

Masihkah ada ruang untukku?

Bulan yang amat mulia bakal tiba,

Dan jiwa ragaku masih kotor,

Jauh sekali aku mahu berada di landasan yang tidak Engkau redha

Jauh sekali aku mahu terus menerus berada dalam kelalaian

Jauh sekali aku mahu mati dalam keadaan hina dan berdosa

Ya Rahman,

Ujian dan dugaan yang Kau beri,

Jadikanlah kesemuanya seperti genggaman-genggaman tangan yang berjuta,

Yang memberikanku kesedaran disebabkan pukulan yang tak terhingga,

Amat sedih sekali nasibku,

Jika ujian dan dugaan yang besar ini masih tak mampu menyedarkanku.

Ya Allah,

Aku datang kepadaMu,

Mengharapkan rahmat kasih sayangMu,

Aku yakin,

Meskipun hatiku terlalu hitam,

Meskipun jiwaku terlalu rosak,

Dek kerana dosa dan salah silapku,

Aku yakin,

Aku masih berpeluang mendapatkan rahmatMu!

Aku yakin,

Kasih sayangMu terbentang luas seluas lautan!

Buatku.

Aku yakin Engkau masih sayang padaku.

Ampunilah aku Ya Ghofur,

Aku seorang pendosa.

34 Hours

It’s 1.32 pm in the afternoon,

And I’ve finished drawing my teary eye for you,

My teary eye,

Would you give it a chance?

Sincerity flashes in the eyes they say,

Thousands of words can be spoken away,

Just by looking at the eyes,

Since we’re apart by miles,

I hope you could feel my true feelings,

From my teary eye.

34 hours have passed,

And you are asking why,

I haven’t sang you a single melody,

or send any beautiful message as can be,

you may have walked from a corner to a corner,

asking why I cannot understand you better,

you need a friend who truly act as a pal,

not just some ordinary gal.

you have heard lots of “I love you”

and you thought, “is that even true?”

how can a close friend forgets you,

not even a single message,

34 hours I’ve gone through!”

The teary eye,

Owned by a devastated girl who wishes if time could be rewind,

But there’s no ‘if’ in our faith,

The time has passed without a trace.

There was no trace she could have seen,

That’s why she forgot and sleeps and dream.

The preoccupied mind of hers is not an excuse,

For a date to remember should never be abused.

You gave her prayers so she is at ease,

And the motivations to set her mind at peace.

She thought about her every moment with you,

And how she felt she don’t want to lose you.

A poem is written to convey,

A message of apology,

and love, and far from hate.

“I’m sorry my dear waniey,

For the very late birthday wish,

Your patience is a great token for me,

Not to mention your warm care that you willing to lend me.

I’m sorry for being careless,

With the day and time,

And I know I could not say if time could be rewind.

Will you accept my apology my dear?

Because losing you is what I fear.

May Allah bless you always,

Grant you eternal happiness, warmth and joy,

Health and wealth,

Success and no duress.

Ukhuwwah fillah,

Abadan abada.”

IF I DIE YOUNG- PRE-DEATH NOTE (Part 1)
{26/11/11}


Sometimes when I waste my time on simply thinking,

thinking about everything,

every aspect of my life,

I had been thinking about me leaving this world.

How will my life ends?

Of course I don't have answer to that.

But how would I like my life to end?

I know that I myself have the answer to that question.

I don't know about you or anyone who wants to die young,

as far as I know almost everyone wants to live long.

I, myself prayed for that,

to live long I mean.

I don't think I have much experiences.

I think by going through those experiences,

I'll learn about life better.

I really want to become a successful lawyer.

Although right now I'm not sure what kind of lawyer that I would like to be.

But I really want the experiences that I will get being a lawyer.

I really want to marry early and experience the life as a wife.

I want to become a mother and have my own kids.

I want to live happily ever after with my own family.

I know that by dreaming to have those kinds of experiences,

age is one of the biggest factor that could help me achieve those wonderful moments.

I know that by wanting those kinds of moments,

only His wills could accomplish those for me.

Insha Allah, I entrusted my prayers to Him,

I believe in happiness.

I believe in His words in the verse 186 Surah Al Baqarah.

But what if I die young?

If I die young,

as young as 20,

as young as now,

of course it's obvious that I wouldn't be living the moments that I really wanted to indulge in.

Like I said I'd thought about this,

I'd made some unwritten plans.

Make some plans that although I couldn't achieve my dreams that will possibly happen after my teen years,

I should live happy despite my body slowly welcoming death.

I don't know when I'm going to die.

I don't know where I'm going to die.

I don't know who will see me die.

I don't know all that to make a highly organized plan for me to be a happy person who will die young.

But I know one thing,

I should live according to the Holy Quran.

I should live according to Allah's words.

My plans?
Insha Allah from now on,
I'm aiming to become a better daughter.
To become a better sister.
To become a better student.
To become a better Muslim.
Every day must be a new day for me.
Every day must be better than yesterday.
Ya Allah,
Please help me for I'm weak.
Please forgive my sins for I'm vulnerable to devil's whispers.
Please answer my prayers for You're the only One who can answer them.
No God beside You,
The Almighty The Great.

If I die young,

I really want my family,

mama, baba, rayyan, raihan and razeen,

to know what exactly have been lingering inside my mind.

I've been wanting to say all these,

but my throat and lips would suddenly become dry.

I would swallow all the words,

and I don't know when will be the day for me to speak up.
But right now,
I think it's the best time for me to actually write all of it.

Mama,

you don't know how grateful I was to you as my mother.

I thank Allah that my mother is you.

Baba,

you don't know how lucky I was to have you as my superman.

I thank Allah that my father is you.

I'm sorry for every mistakes that I'd done to both of you.

I'm sorry if I ever make you sad,

make you mad.

I'm sorry if I don't act like a daughter,

I'm sorry for not listening to your words well.

I'm sorry for the failures that I caused you.

I'm sorry if I'd torn your hearts in two.

I'm sorry for not being the smartest kid in town.

I'm sorry if I'd tear you down.

I'm sorry for not having the chances to buy a wonderful house,

to take both of you to Mecca again,

to travel the world with both of you,

with the money that I'll earn.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Thank you for everything, ma, ba.

Thank you for all of the wonderful and happy moments that both of you had shared with me.

Thank you for preaching words of Islam to me ever since I was born.

Thank you for the good foods both of you fed me.

Thank you for being the Superbaba and Wondermama in my life.

Insha Allah 'till we meet again.

To my siblings,

rayyan,raihan and razeen.

I'm sorry for all the shouting and angry words.

I'm sorry for being a lousy big sister.

I'm sorry if I'd done wrong to you guys.

I'm sorry if I'd caused you guys in trouble for what I did.

I'm sorry for not being able to keep being your big sister,

who will always be there to comfort you with hugs and to wipe your tears.

Please take care of ba and ma for me.

Please keep being good muslim girls and boy.

Please take care of yourselves.

My dear baby brother,

take care of our family when I'm gone.

Don't ever smoke, don't play around with girls.

Don't be like the usual guys you shall meet in the future,

be the unusual guys who hang out in His home.

Your responsibilities are big, sweetie.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm sorry again adik adik akak.

Thank you for enlightened my world,

with your laughters, your smiles and your worlds that you guys had been willing to share them with me.

Thank you for everything.

Insha Allah, 'till we meet again.

To my big family,

I'm sorry for any of my wrong doings,

I'm sorry for everything.

Please forgive me,

please take care of my family well.

To Sarah, Nadia, Husna, Munirah, Ahmad,

you guys are among my favourite cousins that always there for me.

I'm sorry for any wrong doings,

and thank you so very much for everything.

The kindness, the supports, the moments.

I love each and every one of you,
really.

Pray for me always.
Please never stop pray for me.
So Allah forgive my sins.

IF I DIE YOUNG: PRE-DEATH NOTE (Part 2)
{10/12/11}

Honestly,

it's kinda hard for me to pour out the feelings that I had kept inside my heart,

the blend of feelings that I've had when I'm with my friends,

my friends that had willing to sacrifice their time, energy and almost everything,

just to be there for me,

just to comfort me when I'm feeling low,

just to make me laugh and made my day,

just to make me feel special,

just to be my friend.

I thank Him for all the chances that I'd get to know all of them,

such special people,

such wonderful friends.

Since small,

I've never failed to make friends.

Alhamdulillah all of my friends,

they really really made my day,

although we've gone through tears and fights,

in the end of the day,

we will be holding hands with each other,

trying to create another memory,

with Blissful entitled to it.

I'm sorry,

friends,

for every wrong doings that I'd done to you guys,

for every moments that I'd failed to be there for all of you as a friend,

for every moment that I'd failed to help all of you when you needed me the most,

for every mistakes, and every hurting words,

and I'm sorry if I couldn't help to ease all of your burden,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

will all of you forgive me?

Will all of you remember me as a good friend,

despite my mistakes,

despite my wrong doings,

I know that not all of you can forgive me if I'd done wrong to any of you.

I'm sorry that I'm easily forgetful,

if I couldn't be there to comfort all of you on time,

and apologize on time,

before your hearts torn deep,

because of me.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Thank you to all of my friends,

for every laughter,

for every joy,

for every happy moments,

for every meaningful moments,

for every support,

for every pray,

for everything.

Thank you very much friends.

All I need later is continuous pray,

for me from all of you.

Thank you my friends for everything.

To write down every moments that we'd shared here,

although it'll be wonderful to replay it, it'll be a long story.

It's not that I mind if I get to share our moments together to the world,

so that everyone could be envious of me,

it's just that every moments all of us had shared together,

have so many chapters and only be fair if the story been told from all of us together.

I'll never forget every moments,

sad, happy, tearful, joyful, moments with all of you.

Thank you again for everything.

To my primary school friends at Sekolah Rendah Islam Pintar,
Class of 7 Al- Farabi and,
especially to Nabihah, Anis, Nur Aisyah, Atikah, Farhana, Hanif, Naim, Azim.
To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menengah Taman Ilmu dan Budi,
Class of 1,2,3 Al- Farabi, my mentees, and,
especially to Husna, Kyra, Qila, Hanani, Tera, Alia, Aisyah, Kak Fatin, Fatin naqiya, Nana,
Zaid, Mawi, Zafran, Rizwan, Arief.

To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menengah Sri Aman,
Class of 4 Sains Bakti and ,
especially to Amiera, Syahira, Adha, Iman, Sabrina.
To my secondary school friends at Sekolah Menegah Kebangsaa Agama KL,
Class of 4 Ali and 5 Othman, Batch SPM 2010, Dorm Jauhari, my adik adik usrah tersayang, and,
especially to Insyirah, Jannah, Nab, Aimisya, Fasyak, Pah, Unie, Kak Ecah, Ayu, Wanimer, Yati,
Norain, Saffana, Nailah, Anis, Nani, Auni, ND, Syaierah Kaswan, Syafa,
Sobah, Mia, Syamin, Muslihah, Ana, Syaza, Nazira,
Nabihah, Syahira, Tun, and all of Puteri Form 5 2010.
To my friends that I've known from PLKN,
especially to Diyanah, Fatin Nurafiqah, Sheena, Fatin, Wana Wani, Izyan, Azura, Janah.
To my friends in CFS IIUM,
Law Group 323,
especially to Waniey, Bella, Shameema, Minn, Artika, Fara, Marina, Amal,
Aina, Husna, Faezah, Hanan, Ummi, Azura.
Guys, I want to apologize for any, any of my wrong doings.
Please halalkan segalanya.
Please take care of yourselves.
Jaga solat, jaga aurat, jaga kesihatan.

And thank you, thank you for EVERYTHING.
I cannot say thanks enough.
I cannot apologize enough.


I know my two pre-death notes aren't enough to explain everything.
But I really hope all of you could accept my apologies.
I'm trying, trying to be better. Insha Allah.
Everyday should be anew day for me.
Everyday should be a better Rai.

Take care.
May Allah bless all of you ~

TODAY'S WORLD
{1/11/11}

What a loss,

to people who only considers you as a friend,

if you wear branded clothes,

if you own an iPhone or a BB,

if you drive a car ranges from a Merce to Ferrari.

What a loss,

to people who only considers you as a human being,

if you have lots of cash in your wallet,

if you own lots of credit cards,

if you are model skinny,

if you are the daughter or the son of somebody.

What makes us humans,

so great?

Greater than The Greatest of all?

What makes us humans,

greater than Allah The Great?

Who doesn't even care any of the above but,

our hearts?

Shame on you.

Shame on us.

Can we even bring all of that together with us in our graves?

None of that could save us.

None of that could ensure the real happiness,

that we could achieve when we enter to His heaven.

May Allah bless us all with His mercy.

HEAR MY WHISPERS, PLEASE
{28/4/2011}

I stare at the blue sky.

I stare at the sun.

I stare at the tall trees with birds chirping happily.

I stare at the girl who has a sad face.

I stare at girl who is crying silently.

I stare at the girl who is looking right back at me.

Oh that girl is me.

I'm standing infront of a mirror,

thinking,

wondering,

crying,

then I turn my body to where I pray,

asking,

begging,

kneeling,

whispering.

I said with the softest voice I could,

"Oh My Lord,

You are the Almighty,

You are the Powerful,

You are the All -Compassionate,

You are the Gracious,

You are the All -Merciful.

To You I find peace.

To You I beg forgiveness.

To You I confide my secrets.

To You I pour my feelings.

You are All Knowing, All Seeing.

You understand how I am right now.

I'm in a dump.

I'm in the sea,

drowning,

waving my hands,

seeking for help.

To You I seek help.

To You I seek peace.

To You my heart will rest."

"Ya Allah,

I'm your slave.

I beg for your forgiveness.

I beg for your mercy.

I'll never leave sins,

I'm always sinned,

everyday.

For I am only human.

And I'm weak.

To You I seek my strength.

To You I seek protection.

Ya Allah,

forgive me.

As no one forgive sins but You."

"Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem.

You are my source where I repent.

Ya Salam,

You are my source of peace.

Ya Muhaimin,

You are my forever guardian.

Ya 'Aziz,

You are my source of victory,

to You I seek my victory.

Ya Mutakabbir, Ya Khaliq,

You are the Greatest and I'm just little,

You are my Creator and I'm your slave,

listen to my whispers,

listen to my prayers,

My Lord.

Ya 'Alim,

You are my source of knowledge,

to You I seek brilliance.

Ya Basit,

You are my source of relieve,

forever and always.

Ya 'Adl,

You are just,

to You I seek justice in my life.

Ya Ghafur,

You are my forgiver, and hider of all my faults.

To You I seek forgiveness.

To You I repent.

Ya Karim,

You are the Generous,

so to You I pray for my blessing and blissful in life.

Ya Mujib,

You are the Responder to Prayers.

That's why I put my trust on You.

That's why I pray to You.

Because,

you are my Lord.

You are my God."

"Lead me always Ya Allah.

So that I am more pious.

So that I have more iman and taqwa.

So that I am a happy woman.

So that I am a happy human being."

"Ya Allah,

thank you for all the nikmahs You had given me.

Thank you for the iman.

Thank you for Islam being my religion.

Thank you for supportive and loving my family.

Thank you for my supportive and loving friends.

Thank you.

Thank you.

For everything."

"Hear my whispers always.

Hear my prayers always.

Because You are my everything."

Ameen.

THE 'LETTER'
{23/10/11}

I've done a lot of mistakes.

Mistakes that brought me miseries.

Miseries because I can't find the true Light.

The Light that will bring me to the neverending happiness.

Of course, the Light from Him.

When I hit rewind,

I could see myself trying to 'create' my own happiness.

I could see myself walking on a path that leads me to a bogus trail,

a trail that camouflage its dark destination,

a false trail that signed REAL HAPPINESS,

but actually hidden behind it is eternal despair.

Ahh I am writing in riddles.

Let me share some of my melancholic stories.

Let me share some of my,

flashbacks.

I thought I found love when I am happy.

I thought I found love when I never stop smiling.

I thought I found love when I kept glancing the sky, and never stop laughing.

I thought I found real happiness when I found the so-called love.

But apparently no.

The true happiness that I've been seeking,

not from the so-called love that I seemed to have found.

Parents, teachers, friends,

all of them had played their roles in teaching me what can be done and not do,

All of them have been spreading the message of Islam to me for the last 18 years.

I am truly grateful.

I am truly thankful.

To Him, for granting them to me.

So I could find my way to real happiness.

But somehow when my heart is darkened by guilty desires,

I could find myself trying to conceal the true acts,

by replacing it with erroneous acts.

I remember I promised myself to stop.

Promise myself to no more texting,

no more answering or returning calls,

no more unimportant YM-ing.

I remember I said,

'Enough is enough, Raihana.

You know pretty well the Laws of your God!'

I remember I was 18 in the month of March 2011.

But suddenly you turned up.

Well to be exact ofcourse I'd known you much much more earlier.

But the surrounding is different now.

Although we never call,

we never stop being supportive for each other through texting,

sometimes through chatting.

We never stop being best buds.

I remember when we never talked before.

I remember when we never become friends before.

And I also remember when all that changed.

Then pieces of puzzles seemed to form in my mind.

The puzzles of our friendship.

Later somehow I could feel the atmosphere had changed.

I don't think I like you as a friend anymore.

But more than a good friend.

There were a number of messages that we suddenly felt brave enough to ask.

Asking questions more to answer the curious hearts.

This is where everything turned out wrong.
The continuous 'keep in touch',
led to feelings that wasn't meant to be there.

I was 18 in the month of September 2011.

I was awakened.

Again.

Masha Allah.

All praise is to Him.

For still giving me the chance to stop my feet from walking on the dusty road.

The dusty road of the bogus trail, remember?

Lots and lots of voices I heard.

Voices that speak out the real truth.

The real truth of the Laws of God,

that I had put aside because of the guilty desires that I had sealed in my heart.

How can I have such friendship with a guy who is not even confirmed yet my husband?

How can I be so friendly with a guy who may be not my future husband?

How can I be happy because of a guy who is not my soul partner, yet?

The only permissible relationship that I could have with a guy whom I can get married with

is only marriage.

Everywhere I go I could hear the voice that said,

'Batasan pergaulan antara lelaki dan perempuan'

The boundaries that I should always bear in mind.

The boundaries that I must take care of and not letting it broke down apart.

When I hit pause,

I re-read my 'letter' to you.

I said we should put a limit to this.

I said we had wronged ourselves.

I said we had put aside the real truth that we had learnt before.

Both you and I are well aware of the Laws of our God.

In my heart I was questioning myself.

How can we hoped for His help to give us success to achieve our aspirations,

when we make things not according to His ways?

How can we achieve real happiness?

I told you my reasons.

I told you we must only possible to communicate if urgent calls turned up.

And I was grateful that you understand.

When I hit fast forward on my 'another- side- of- my-life- story tape',

I re-read your reply 'letter' to me.

You said you were glad finally I told you why recently we don't text.

You said you understand and you acknowledge that what we've done before is wrong.

You said that you were hoping for a everlasting relationship.

And I remember I smiled to that.

I'm not saying I'm only put a stop to only one guy.

I'm aware that I have got many guy friends which includes my classmates and schoolmates.

My group mates and my juniors.

I'll never stop calling you guys as friends.

But friends with a guy is unlike friends with a girl.

You don't friendly 'hey I miss you how are you',

you don't friendly high-fives,

you don't friendly kiss and hugs.

You have a boundary that shall give you true and real happiness.

The boundary that He had awarded to all of us.

Trust me, if you follow His path,

you will be granted with His Heaven.

It's also noteworthy that Heaven is our eternal place.

Eternal means forever and ever.

And the boundary,
it depends you know.
It's different if you have important things to deal with.
It's different if you want to ask about,
studies, work, projects,
any important stuff that requires you
to deal with men.
Then it is alright.
Because it's undoubtedly that sooner or later our world will be surrounded by men,
if it's not now.
Sooner or later we have to work with them.
But again,
the boundary,
take good care of it.

Allah has said in the holy Quran:

"Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik.

Lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan baik."

Don't we want to become the good woman and the good man?

So that we could have a good partner that will bring His please?

If we want the everlasting relationship according to His wills,

so that we could last together until Jannah,

we should always, always,

bear this verse in mind.

Allah said in the Quran:

"..Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu perkara, padahal ia amat baik bg kamu,

dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu perkara, padahal ia amat buruk bg kamu.

Dan Allah Maha mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui"

(2:216)

No harm for us to change for the better.

No harm for us to improve and become as close to perfection.

When I hit stop,

I am 18 in the month of October 2011.

ps. Stop, as in stop writing this other -side -of -my -life story.

Stop as in THE END.

SOMETIMES I JUST WISHED I WOULD JUST FADE AWAY
{23/3/11}

I thought I've made the right choice.

I thought I've made the right decision.

On my feelings.

But it turned out to be,

I just don't know how to describe it.

Oh dang.

I just have to learn how to stop believing.

I just have to learn how to stop holding onto.

I just have to stop acting like I'm on a cloud 9.

I just have to stop letting my heart being torn.

I just have to learn how to fade away.

MY BELOVED FRIENDS
{16/3/11}

My beloved friends,

a few words to express how I felt about all of you,

about how sorry I am if you think I've left you,

how sorry I am if you think I'm a lousy friend,

how sorry I am if you think I never value our friendship that we created together,

how sorry I am if you think that I have forget you,

how sorry I am if you think I don't need you in my life anymore.

My beloved friends,

I'm truly blessed having to meet with all of you,

having to know with all of you,

to become your friend.

I'm absolutely grateful to Him that I met all of you,

I get to know all of you better,

I get to be your friend,

and most importantly,

your best friend.

I'm thankful to Him that He let us create a beautiful bond,

a beautiful relationship,

friendship.

My beloved friends,

I know I always apologize.

Because I thought I'd make you guys mad,

I'd hurt your feelings,

I'd torn you apart.

I know friends forever is what I promised all of you.

Because that is really what I want, deep inside of me.

I understand that someone should take the blame.

And let the person be me.

But one thing that I must tell all of you,

this friendship won't work if both sides won't cooperate.

Let's try again.

Although friendship is hard to retain.

Because as you grow older,

you'll meet more people.

You'll create another bond of friendship.

You'll may forget your past bonds.

So I understand that,

promise of 'friends forever' is hard to keep,

but for my side,

I'll try.

I'll try to be your, friend.

Forever.

SRIP: Nur Aisyah Rahman, Nur Nabihah Abd Hadi, Anis Hasanah, Syahmira, Atikah Abdulullah, NZKA(; , Naim Mazri, Mohd. Hanif Zonkifle, Mohd. Hafiz Zonkifle, Hafiz Suhaimi, Hanif Suhaimi, Naif Faris, Amirul Azim, Naif Farhan, Shauqy Osman.

SB: Nurul Husna Yusof, Siti Sakirah Abd Jalil, Zaid Jamaluddin, Aqilah Kamarulzaman, Nurul Hanani Damiri, Fatin Afiqah, Nur Alia Niza, Teratai Nadia, Rizwan Saiful Raslin, Hafiz Nazri, Zafran Mustafa, Mohd Naqiyuddin, Aisyah, Fatin, Zulaikha Syawal, Natasya Fellina, Ehsan, Affan Bahemsa-i.

SMAKL: Nurul Jannah Jalaluddin, Insyirah Zulkifli, Fatin Syakirah, Siti Nur Nabilah Lutfi, Sharifah Amirah, Aimi Syahirah, Auni Bazilah, Nur Zafirah, Norain, Puteri Hidayu Nafisah, Nur Nailah, Nor Saffana, Siti Husniyah, Farihah, all of Dorm Jauhari, all of batch FiveForm Puteri 2010, all of my usrah members, Raihan, Izzat, Shafique, Azim Razak, Kamil, Iqbal

PLKN Kem Bumimas Sibu: Diyanah Kaiyisah, Fatin Nurafiqah, Shazwana Shahril, Redzlam, Shazwani Shahril, Azura, Jannah, Izzyani izzat, Reyvathy Sheena, Mohd Shafiqal, Filhan, Siti Syamimie, Muthaharah, Afiq Fakrul Razi, Najwa Nur Diyana, Francis, Affendi, Muhammad Wira, Aliff, Siti Solehah, Azniera, Selviya, all of Dorm Durian, all of DELTA COMPANY that know me, all of WIRAWATI KUMP1 SIRI 8 that know me.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND. MY BEST FRIEND.

I LOVE YOU TOO .

WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT IS ENOUGH ALREADY,
BUT IT IS ACTUALLY ISN'T
{15/3/2011}

Enough is enough.

You think you have done enough.

Enough in everything.

Enough in your words.

Enough in your actions.

Unfortunately, so sorry to say that,

you are wrong.

So wrong.

Let us go one by one.

Let us turn the page by page.

Let us just sit down and take time,

to think back,

to recall,

to reminisce.

Number One;

"How is my ma'thruat?"

Sadly to say that,

it has been in a comma for almost more than two months now.

Yes, now you can open your eyes big,

your mouth wide open in shock,

this is absolutely,

unexpected.

Take a deep breath,

and let's move on to Number Two.

Shall we?

Number Two;

"How is my Dhuha?"

Sadly to say that,

it is only been done 3 times when you were away for 70 days.

Yes, now you can start closing your big eyes,

your mouth now shut abrubtly,

too numb.

No my dear, this is not torture.

Really, it's for your own good.

So buck up, Number Three is coming right up.

Number Three;

"How is my qiyam?"

Sadly to say that,

it hasn't been done for three months now!

Gosh, honey!

What have you been doing?

You know that you cannot rise early if you don't sleep early.

Yes, you can fall down now.

And let the tears fall,

silently.

Sorry to let you know about all these.

But you do remember your resolutions right?

Please, if you don't, let's not be a lazy bump and click on to the January post.

There, written clearly and nicely, boldly.

It is understood that you are now,

feeling guilty.

Ya Allah,

forgive me.

I shouldn't be like this.

I shouldn't just let it all go away.

I shouldn't create excuses.

I shouldn't just pray 5 times a day and read the Quran every morning and night.

I should've done more than that.

It is not enough yet.

I've wasted a lot of my time.

A lot of precious time.

Ya Allah,

forgive me.

And no one forgive sins but You.

Allah is all Forgiving, all Merciful.

p/s: This is only the part of it. I have many things that I'd done not enough yet. Well actually, there is no 'enough' in our life. Yeah, no enough.

TRAPPED WITHIN
{14/3/11}

Have you seen a box

sealed so tight,

that when you take it and shake it,

you can hear a sound,

that makes you wonder,

that makes you suspicious,

whatever inside the tight sealed box?

Have you seen a trunk

shut so tight,

by an oversized chain,

that when you forced it to open,

you'll just brake your manicured nails,

that even when you use the crowbar,

it just won't work,

this makes you feel frustrated,

this makes you feel angry,

however shall it going to be opened?

Have you seen a girl,

that look so pale,

look so numb,

have red rimmed eyes,

look confused,

look pressured,

at somewhat that has been bothering her.

Have you seen a girl trapped within her own mistakes?

It's all my fault.

It's all because I never think before I do.

It's all because of giving to people a lot.

No, you can give,

but it depends on what you give.

There's no next time.

And you can't hit Rewind.

You can't even linger your finger at Pause.

Because it has happened.

Now you just have to make it all better.

You just have to work yourself out.

Work yourself out of the box.

Work yourself out of the trunk.

Work yourself out of your mistakes.

Ya Allah, help me.

And no one can help me but You.

LOVEBUG (2010)- Part 1
{9/5/201}

I was hoping it wouldn't get me.
But somehow, it does,
or I think it did.
I don't know.
I'm in confusion.
But then, something hit me,
no, not the bug of love,
but the bug of realization.
Yes, I just realized,
that this thing is not the dominant matter.
The thing that called love.
I've got other priorities,
shouldn't let my heart get tricked,
by the words of so-called love.
But action speaks louder than words, they say,
and yes, I assumed the sayings are true,
of course they are.
Because I somehow,
could not let this go easily.
Somehow it went hard,
hard as a solid compound,
made up of molecules of love.

Why is it love have to interfere your life?
Gosh Raihana, what a narrow mind of yours!
Love for God.
Love for the prophets.
Love for your parents.
Love, love, love,
for yourself.

Someday,
Somewhere,
Somehow,
You'll find your perfect knight of your life.

As the saying goes; Patience is the greatest virtue.



LOVEBUG (2010)- Part 2
{9/5/10}

It has been 2 years,
to be exact, I'm not very sure.
But about those years that I've made up my mind to not to,
try as best as I could not to fall again,
fall for love.
You already know,
about my stories of so-called love,
I wrote them in year 2008,
two posts that really had came from my heart.
I would like to apologize,
because none of those two,
were 100% true.
Of course when you are 'publishing' it to public,
you wouldn't want them to feel your hurt,
especially when one of them is the Person.
But then, I did managed to stumbled to another page of my life,
maybe I could say, another page of an untold love,
that is maybe new or the continue page of the past stories.
I'm writing about a girl who are confuse with her feelings,
there, can you understand now?
The Wonderful Soul seemed to be numerous in front of me,
or maybe I'm the only one who got blinded by their shines of wonderfulness.
I don't know,
I shouldn't even get easily disturbed, by this so-called emotion.
Now, why I even wrote it as a 'so-called' when it is true?
Again, I don't know.
The lovebug is the new story to tell.

O Allah, grant me the perfect choice of my life.
I don't want another regret,
and the past was really my own mistake.
I don't want another mistake,
of choosing what's right for me.
Because I know that You will accept my prayer,
of granting me the perfect knight of my life.


LOVEBUG (2008)

At last, I've accomplished my 'mission' to overcome the lovebug that has catched me for quite some time. No, actually almost a year.

 However, I don't really know how but this morning on 26th of December 2008, I finally realised I would stop falling in love with you. The feeling has no longer there lingering inside my heart that for almost a year been hopeful for you to return my love.

Somehow, I felt terrible because the lovebug didn't hit me this morning since you are my prince charming that has lended your heart to Giselle and I should be envious like all times. I tried to fix the emotion of love inside of me towards you but instead it came as 'Nada'. In the end, I noticed that it would be the best for me since I will not be envious of Giselle anymore and she wouldn't be feeling bad since the prince charming loves her and she in return loving him.

Right now while I'm writing this, my feelings towards you is empty, no more love, no more hope inside of me. Perhaps, you are just a friend that I'm comfortable to talk with and to share happy moments. Just like friends do. And for the first time, I felt relieved since I will not be acting as a friend to you when we talk but be a friend when we communicate. There'll be no more love for me, since I can't accept the feeling of hurt that cut my heart leaving it throbbing in pain. Maybe someday would just be a day that I would fall in love again.

(Note that Lovebug 2008 is not a poem. I just thought this might help you guys stop wondering why my previous 'Lovebug' posts were entittled with a year) (Also note that, these are some of my own 'thing' back then when I was an immature girl)

-under construction ^^"-