Two days ago, I was wrecked. I agree. That night I kept thinking, with me lying down in the dark room, my eyes focusing on the solid structure above me, my hands rested on my heart, and cheeks were wet. I kept reciting istighfar, and I knew there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong inside me.
At that time I felt angry. I was mad with myself. I was fuming to the fact that I caused myself to feel so wrecked and broken. I was responsible for my broken self. I tried to recall everything, my parents consoles, my friends advises, my usrah outcomes. I felt more furious because I knew that I've been taught well enough, to take care of myself, to take of my own heart and soul.
What's the real cause, Rai? Why did you feel so wrecked inside? Maybe if you recite ma'thurat daily, do sunat prayers, khusyu' in each of your prayers, recite the Quran enough, dzikr and selawat as supplements, that would definitely do you good. These should be your drugs. Not spending time gratuitously. Holidays could be just as sinful and dangerous if you don't spend them good.
That night I felt restless. I just want to feel contented. But do I deserve that? And I realized the only way is to repent, and seek His forgiveness, beg His mercy, hunt for His help. My heart was not at ease because I am sinful. I could feel my heart blackened and throbbed in pain because of my own sinful acts. And the only freedom was repentance.
I closed my eyes, placed my hands on my chest, and tears slowly trickled down. The slave has wronged herself, and finally return to her Master. And she found words of Allah, her Lord, Her God, that consoled the heart, that wrapped her heart to warmth, that gave her strength and motivated her to become a solihah woman, in and out.
Ali Imran: 139
"So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers."
Ali Imran: 110
"You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah . If only the People of the Scripture had believed, it would have been better for them. Among them are believers, but most of them are defiantly disobedient."
Al Maidah: 7
"And remember the favor of Allah upon you and His covenant with which He bound you when you said, "We hear and we obey"; and fear Allah . Indeed, Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts."
Al Maidah: 8
"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allah , witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what you do."
Al Maidah: 9
"Allah has promised those who believe and do righteous deeds [that] for them there is forgiveness and great reward."
Al A'raf: 35
"O children of Adam, if there come to you messengers from among you relating to you My verses, then whoever fears Allah and reforms - there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve."
An Nisa: 103
"And when you have completed the prayer, remember Allah standing, sitting, or [lying] on your sides. But when you become secure, re-establish [regular] prayer. Indeed, prayer has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times."
Ar Ra'd: 28
"Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah . Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured."
Al Ahzab : 41-42
"O you who have believed, remember Allah with much remembrance. And exalt Him morning and afternoon."
I haven't been thankful to Him enough. I wasn't being grateful enough. Every day He gave me life, means He gave me chance, and more chances, for me to change, to become better. His forgiveness and mercy surpasses everything. I should be thankful that He have given me vision, hearing, and I could talk and walk, and move each of my limb. And I know I would be a cavalier, and be tormented if I don't act conform to His wills, for He has given me everything that I could not possibly interchanged.