Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Broken One

Now the time shows exactly 10.10 pm.
I have finished writing about this; below.

I am appalled.
With myself.
After browsing through the group page, I know that I don't belong there.

With them.
With each and every one of them.

I may be tall, but I am so little compared to them.
I may be 21 year old human, but I am not wise compared to them.

Their knowledge.
Their attitude.
I don't have those.

Their happiness.
I could feel although our connections are via the web, I don't deserve that.

Do I even deserved to be a part of them, like they claimed I am?

I am easily torn.
I am easily broken.
I may look strong on the surface.
But I am full of holes beneath it.

Just three weeks of break, I could easily be destroyed.
Just three weeks of departures, I could easily be shattered.

I know they have held strong of my hands.
I know they have given me love.
I know they have given me care.

But looking at myself and back at them, I am just unwarranted being.

One of them said, "perubahan itu daripada diri sendiri. ubah keadaan diri dengan tangan sendiri"

I should just stay quiet now.
If I can't change myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to change for the better.
If I can't ensure I act to the best akhlak, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to act better.
If I can't safeguard myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to do the same.

If I can't walk the talk, I should just shut up.

This is how I feel right now.
Yes, I don't have confidence in myself.
Yes, I feel ashamed in myself.

Try as hard as any of you can, to reach me, for I'm hiding behind  the shield of my own, that you can't trespass.
I'm broken now. Can any of you even fix me?

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