The Fixed One

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Two days ago, I was wrecked. I agree. That night I kept thinking, with me lying down in the dark room, my eyes focusing on the solid structure above me, my hands rested on my heart, and cheeks were wet. I kept reciting istighfar, and I knew there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong inside me. 

At that time I felt angry. I was mad with myself. I was fuming to the fact that I caused myself to feel so wrecked and broken. I was responsible for my broken self. I tried to recall everything, my parents consoles, my friends advises, my usrah outcomes. I felt more furious because I knew that I've been taught well enough, to take care of myself, to take of my own heart and soul. 

What's the real cause, Rai? Why did you feel so wrecked inside? Maybe if you recite ma'thurat daily, do sunat prayers, khusyu' in each of your prayers, recite the Quran enough, dzikr and selawat as supplements, that would definitely do you good. These should be your drugs. Not spending time gratuitously. Holidays could be just as sinful and dangerous if you don't spend them good. 

That night I felt restless. I just want to feel contented. But do I deserve that? And I realized the only way is to repent, and seek His forgiveness, beg His mercy, hunt for His help. My heart was not at ease because I am sinful. I could feel my heart blackened and throbbed in pain because of my own sinful acts. And the only freedom was repentance.

I closed my eyes, placed my hands on my chest, and tears slowly trickled down. The slave has wronged herself, and finally return to her Master. And she found words of Allah, her Lord, Her God, that consoled the heart, that wrapped her heart to warmth, that gave her strength and motivated her to become a solihah woman, in and out. 

Ali Imran: 139

"So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers."

Ali Imran: 110

"You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah . If only the People of the Scripture had believed, it would have been better for them. Among them are believers, but most of them are defiantly disobedient."

Al Maidah: 7

"And remember the favor of Allah upon you and His covenant with which He bound you when you said, "We hear and we obey"; and fear Allah . Indeed, Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts."

Al Maidah: 8

"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allah , witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what you do."

Al Maidah: 9

"Allah has promised those who believe and do righteous deeds [that] for them there is forgiveness and great reward."

Al A'raf: 35

"O children of Adam, if there come to you messengers from among you relating to you My verses, then whoever fears Allah and reforms - there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve."

An Nisa: 103

"And when you have completed the prayer, remember Allah standing, sitting, or [lying] on your sides. But when you become secure, re-establish [regular] prayer. Indeed, prayer has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times."

Ar Ra'd: 28

"Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah . Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured."

Al Ahzab : 41-42

"O you who have believed, remember Allah with much remembrance. And exalt Him morning and afternoon."

I haven't been thankful to Him enough. I wasn't being grateful enough. Every day He gave me life, means He gave me chance, and more chances, for me to change, to become better. His forgiveness and mercy surpasses everything. I should be thankful that He have given me vision, hearing, and I could talk and walk, and move each of my limb. And I know I would be a cavalier, and be tormented if I don't act conform to His wills, for He has given me everything that I could not possibly interchanged. 

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

The Broken One

Now the time shows exactly 10.10 pm.
I have finished writing about this; below.





I am appalled.
With myself.
After browsing through the group page, I know that I don't belong there.

There.
With them.
With each and every one of them.

I may be tall, but I am so little compared to them.
I may be 21 year old human, but I am not wise compared to them.

Their knowledge.
Their attitude.
I don't have those.

Their happiness.
I could feel although our connections are via the web, I don't deserve that.

Do I even deserved to be a part of them, like they claimed I am?

I am easily torn.
I am easily broken.
I may look strong on the surface.
But I am full of holes beneath it.

Just three weeks of break, I could easily be destroyed.
Just three weeks of departures, I could easily be shattered.

I know they have held strong of my hands.
I know they have given me love.
I know they have given me care.

But looking at myself and back at them, I am just unwarranted being.

One of them said, "perubahan itu daripada diri sendiri. ubah keadaan diri dengan tangan sendiri"




I should just stay quiet now.
If I can't change myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to change for the better.
If I can't ensure I act to the best akhlak, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to act better.
If I can't safeguard myself, why should I be bothered to enjoin others to do the same.


If I can't walk the talk, I should just shut up.


This is how I feel right now.
Yes, I don't have confidence in myself.
Yes, I feel ashamed in myself.

Try as hard as any of you can, to reach me, for I'm hiding behind  the shield of my own, that you can't trespass.
I'm broken now. Can any of you even fix me?

Raihana,

Khayalan,
Fantasi,
Impian,
Indah teramat jika jadi kenyataan,

Kesenangan,
Kekayaan,
Hidup tanpa dugaan,
Realiti yang semua orang inginkan,

Bersabarlah wahai hati,
Hidup di dunia cuma sekali,
Maka segala perit hidup takkan terulang lagi,
Setelah roh tinggalkan jasad di muka bumi,
Kan bertemu si hamba dengan Ilahi,
JanjiNya hidup bahagia kekal abadi;
Hanya ada di Syurga Firdausi,

Tiap titis air mata membasahi pipi,
Sudah cukup sudah teruskanlah berlari,
Merentasi gelora api, onak dan duri;
Ujian demi ujian dalam hidup ini,
Hidup cuma tinggal berbaki,
Manfaatkanlah setiap jerih peluhmu di atas jalan yang hakiki,
Jangan nanti disoal kamu diseksa hidup kembali,
Tuhan Esa tanya dimana posisimu di alam fana ini,
Masa mudamu disia-siakan dengan perkara yang tidak diredhai,
Jika bertemu ajal esok hari bersedialah wahai diri,
Maka hiduplah dengan keyakinan yang mantap pada janji Robbul 'Alamin.

3.12.13

You

your passion in art,
your poem written smart,
your voice speaks the truth,
your courage is beyond youth,
you stand strong on high mountains,
you always help around on and off campus,
your strong faith,
I can feel your grace,
your words touches the heart,
your pictures bring smiles,
we are near yet far at heart,
you are probably in love with someone else with might,
to hope is something vulnerable,
weakens the heart and makes it untouchable,
to Lord shall I pray,
if you are the one,
or nay.

-- you.

3.11.13

8.57 pm

Hysteria

credits to Colin Young

Everyone is hysterical,

Screaming,

Shouting,

Screaming,

Hysterically,

Enough to torn this heart apart,

The vain outcry,

The cutthroat act,

Enough to break this poignant heart,

The heart then becomes debris;

Rubble flown everywhere,

No one can find the missing pieces,

No one can solve the puzzle,

No,

No more tears,

The pearls are not worth to be shed,

Let it all goes crashing into the sea,

Memories are meant to be painful,

-- The razed picture of another typical lassie.

Antara Emosi dan Fakta

Jangan berfaktakan emosi,

Tetapi beremosikan fakta.

Hujah demi hujah,

Kosong tiada isi apa gunanya,

Usah berucap ibarat kau tahu segalanya,

Ilmu mantapkan dahulu dalam dada,

Kesahihan berita dan fakta sentiasa diambil kira,

Biar kata-kata yang keluar dari bibirmu sentiasa bermakna,

Pahatlah dalam otakmu yang geliga,

Kata-kata yang terucap refleksi diri yang punya harga,

Jangan biarkan manusia sekeliling memandangmu hina,

Disebabkan olahan kata yang punya bandingan nilainya,

Jangan kelak dirimu menjadi binasa,

Kata-kata lebih tajam dari mata pedang gamaknya,

Ayat klise umum tahu sentiasa.

Suara pena yang turut berjuang bersama,

Jangan karyamu meracuni otak manusia,

Kuasa pena sejaguh sang juara,

Mampu mengubah dunia dan menggegarkan isinya,

Intelektual, estetika dan terutamanya nilai agama,

Jangan kau lupa wahai penduduk sementara,

Setiap bait perkataan yang tercipta,

Pastikan ia bagaikan mutiara yang amat tinggi nilainya,

Berkatalah benar walaupun sekeliling membenci kita,

Jangan berbohong kelak lidahmu terpotong jua,

--Jangan berfaktakan emosi tetapi beremosikan fakta.

11.12.13

The Echo

She must go,

The echo can be heard,

Calling out her name,

Over and over again,

Tell her to go,

She should tie her shoelaces now,

And start running as fast as she could,

She must not look back,

Or the waves shall pull her behind,

No looking back, no,

A fragile girl in and out,

She cannot possibly face again,

The memory of the past,

She should begin a new dance,

And twirl ‘till she reach her destination,

She must not stop,

‘till she reach the end.

Aspirations.

Dreams.

No fantasies.

But reality.

5.12.13

Bitten Flesh

All of you looked at her,

All of you stared at her,

With your pupils big eye shots,

Chapped lips smirkin’,

Voices hissing out like snakes,

Occasional laughter,

Whispers that people a mile can hear,

Fingers pointing at her,

Talking about her,

Smirking at her,

Glancing to the corner of your eyes at her,

“she’s not like what she’s portraying,

She says this but she actually is like that,”

All of you seems to be angels,

Flawless without a doubt,

Walks on earth with so much proud,

Claiming yourselves to be of the best crowd,

Ridiculing her,

Telling her to confront the world her sins,

All of you disregard the other side of her ugliness,

You poor people don’t see the side of her loveliness,

She may have had dark pasts,

She is no angel,

Only weak human,

Fragility is her cloak,

She may have made mistakes,

Sins stains her heart,

Sins fouls her body,

She has repented,

All of you don’t know,

She has God,

All of you don’t notice,

All of your minds never trigger a thing,

All of you have forgotten,

Your souls and hers are alike,

All of you are no angels,

So don’t talk as if you are sinless,

Hypocrisy that’s what all of you are saying,

“Why talk like this if you are like that”

No,

She’s no hypocrite, no.

She is trying to be better,

‘Every’ oxygen she breathes,

She is trying to be better,

Leaving shards behind her,

All of you are listening to stories that were ancient of her,

All of you should consider the present of her,

Stop the whispering,

Stop speculating,

Learn how to get closer to someone like her,

Learn how to listen to her,

Instead of spreading rumors and hate,

Advice and motivate her with your good deeds,

You blame her for ruining the belief you both shares,

When you could have become someone better than her,

Instead of talking behind her back,

Instead of telling others her ugly side,

All of you could have become someone much better than her,

If that is not your choice,

Hence shame on all of you,

Hence pity to all of you,

She needs to be reminded,

Of the present world that shall come to an end,

Sooner or later,

If all of you don’t act fast and be her savior,

She could fall deep into the well of dishonor,

That’s our jobs,

To keep on reminding,

To keep on telling,

Why do we live,

Who are we actually,

Serving God,

Becoming His Caliph,

All of us need to be reminded.

--Instead of keep eating her flesh,

All of you should know that she is also on the same team.