Saturday, November 26, 2011

If I Die Young : Pre- Death Note (Part 1)

Sometimes when I waste my time on simply thinking,
thinking about everything,
every aspect of my life,
I had been thinking about me leaving this world.
How will my life ends?
Of course I don't have answer to that.
But how would I like my life to end?
I know that I myself have the answer to that question.

I don't know about you or anyone who wants to die young,
as far as I know almost everyone wants to live long.
I, myself prayed for that,
to live long I mean.
I don't think I have much experiences.
 I think by going through those experiences,
I'll learn about life better.

I really want to become a successful lawyer.
Although right now I'm not sure what kind of lawyer that I would like to be.
But I really want the experiences that I will get being a lawyer.
I really want to marry early and experience the life as a wife.
I want to become a mother and have my own kids.
I want to live happily ever after with my own family.

I know that by dreaming to have those kinds of experiences,
age is one of the biggest factor that could help me achieve those wonderful moments.
I know that by wanting those kinds of moments,
only His wills could accomplish those for me.
Insha Allah, I entrusted my prayers to Him,
I believe in happiness.
I believe in His words in the verse 186 Surah Al Baqarah.
But what if I die young?

If I die young,
as young as 20,
as young as now,
of course it's obvious that I wouldn't be living the moments that I really wanted to indulge in.
Like I said I'd thought about this,
I'd made some unwritten plans.
Make some plans that although I couldn't achieve my dreams that will possibly happen after my teen years,
I should live happy despite my body slowly welcoming death.
I don't know when I'm going to die.
I don't know where I'm going to die.
I don't know who will see me die.
I don't know all that to make a highly organized plan for me to be a happy person who will die young.
But I know one thing,
I should live according to the Holy Quran.
I should live according to Allah's words.

My plans?
Insha Allah from now on,
I'm aiming to become a better daughter.
To become a better sister.
To become a better student.
To become a better Muslim.
Every day must be a new day for me.
Every day must be better than yesterday.
Ya Allah,
Please help me for I'm weak.
Please forgive my sins for I'm vulnerable to devil's whispers.
Please answer my prayers for You're the only One who can answer them.
No God beside You,
The Almighty The Great.

If I die young,
I really want my family,
mama, baba, rayyan, raihan and razeen,
to know what exactly have been lingering inside my mind.
I've been wanting to say all these,
but my throat and lips would suddenly become dry.
I would swallow all the words,
and I don't know when will be the day for me to speak up.
But right now,
I think it's the best time for me to actually write all of it.

you don't know how grateful I was to you as my mother.
I thank Allah that my mother is you.
you don't know how lucky I was to have you as my superman.
I thank Allah that my father is you.
I'm sorry for every mistakes that I'd done to both of you.
I'm sorry if I ever make you sad,
make you mad.
I'm sorry if I don't act like a daughter,
I'm sorry for not listening to your words well.
I'm sorry for the failures that I caused you.
I'm sorry if I'd torn your hearts in two.
I'm sorry for not being the smartest kid in town.
I'm sorry if I'd tear you down.
I'm sorry for not having the chances to buy a wonderful house,
to take both of you to Mecca again,
to travel the world with both of you,
with the money that I'll earn.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Thank you for everything, ma, ba.
Thank you for all of the wonderful and happy moments that both of you had shared with me.
Thank you for preaching words of Islam to me ever since I was born.
Thank you for the good foods both of you fed me.
Thank you for being the Superbaba and Wondermama in my life.
Insha Allah 'till we meet again.

To my siblings,
rayyan,raihan and razeen.
I'm sorry for all the shouting and angry words.
I'm sorry for being a lousy big sister.
I'm sorry if I'd done wrong to you guys.
I'm sorry if I'd caused you guys in trouble for what I did.
I'm sorry for not being able to keep being your big sister,
who will always be there to comfort you with hugs and to wipe your tears.
Please take care of ba and ma for me.
Please keep being good muslim girls and boy.
Please take care of yourselves.
My dear baby brother,
take care of our family when I'm gone.
Don't ever smoke, don't play around with girls.
Don't be like the usual guys you shall meet in the future,
be the unusual guys who hang out in His home.
Your responsibilities are big, sweetie.
Please take care of yourself.
I'm sorry again adik adik akak.
Thank you for enlightened my world,
with your laughters, your smiles and your worlds that you guys had been willing to share them with me.
Thank you for everything.
Insha Allah, 'till we meet again.

To my big family,
I'm sorry for any of my wrong doings,
I'm sorry for everything.
Please forgive me, 
please take care of my family well.
To Sarah, Nadia, Husna, Munirah, Ahmad,
you guys are among my favourite cousins that always there for me.
I'm sorry for any wrong doings,
and thank you so very much for everything.
The kindness, the supports, the moments.

I love each and every one of you,

Pray for me always.
Please never stop pray for me.
So Allah forgive my sins.