Sunday, October 23, 2011

The 'Letter'

I've done a lot of mistakes.
Mistakes that brought me miseries.
Miseries because I can't find the true Light.
The Light that will bring me to the neverending happiness.
Of course, the Light from Him.

When I hit rewind,
I could see myself trying to 'create' my own happiness.
I could see myself walking on a path that leads me to a bogus trail,
a trail that camouflage its dark destination,
a false trail that signed REAL HAPPINESS,
but actually hidden behind it is eternal despair.

Ahh I am writing in riddles.
Let me share some of my melancholic stories.
Let me share some of my,

I thought I found love when I am happy.
I thought I found love when I never stop smiling.
I thought I found love when I kept glancing the sky, and never stop laughing.
I thought I found real happiness when I found the so-called love.
But apparently no.
The true happiness that I've been seeking,
not from the so-called love that I seemed to have found.

Parents, teachers, friends,
all of them had played their roles in teaching me what can be done and not do,
All of them have been spreading the message of Islam to me for the last 18 years.
I am truly grateful.
I am truly thankful.
To Him, for granting them to me.
So I could find my way to real happiness.
But somehow when my heart is darkened by guilty desires,
I could find myself trying to conceal the true acts,
by replacing it with erroneous acts.

I remember I promised myself to stop.
Promise myself to no more texting,
no more answering or returning calls,
no more unimportant YM-ing.
I remember I said,
'Enough is enough, Raihana.
You know pretty well the Laws of your God!'
I remember I was 18 in the month of March 2011.

But suddenly you turned up.
Well to be exact ofcourse I'd known you much much more earlier.
But the surrounding is different now.
Although we never call,
we never stop being supportive for each other through texting,
sometimes through chatting.
We never stop being best buds.
I remember when we never talked before.
I remember when we never become friends before.
And I also remember when all that changed.

Then pieces of puzzles seemed to form in my mind.
The puzzles of our friendship.
Later somehow I could feel the atmosphere had changed.
I don't think I like you as a friend anymore.
But more than a good friend.
There were a number of messages that we suddenly felt brave enough to ask.
Asking questions more to answer the curious hearts.

This is where everything turned out wrong.
The continuous 'keep in touch',
led to feelings that wasn't meant to be there.

I was 18 in the month of September 2011.
I was awakened.
Masha Allah.
All praise is to Him.
For still giving me the chance to stop my feet from walking on the dusty road.
The dusty road of the bogus trail, remember?
Lots and lots of voices I heard.
Voices that speak out the real truth.
The real truth of the Laws of God,
that I had put aside because of the guilty desires that I had sealed in my heart.
How can I have such friendship with a guy who is not even confirmed yet my husband?
How can I be so friendly with a guy who may be not my future husband?
How can I be happy because of a guy who is not my soul partner, yet?
The only permissible relationship that I could have with a guy whom I can get married with
is only marriage.
Everywhere I go I could hear the voice that said,
'Batasan pergaulan antara lelaki dan perempuan'
The boundaries that I should always bear in mind.
The boundaries that I must take care of and not letting it broke down apart.

When I hit pause,
I re-read my 'letter' to you.
I said we should put a limit to this.
I said we had wronged ourselves.
I said we had put aside the real truth that we had learnt before.
Both you and I are well aware of the Laws of our God.
In my heart I was questioning myself.
 How can we hoped for His help to give us success to achieve our aspirations,
when we make things not according to His ways?
 How can we achieve real happiness?
I told you my reasons.
I told you we must only possible to communicate if urgent calls turned up.
And I was grateful that you understand.

When I hit fast forward on my 'another- side- of- my-life- story tape',
I re-read your reply 'letter' to me.
You said you were glad finally I told you why recently we don't text.
You said you understand and you acknowledge that what we've done before is wrong.
You said that you were hoping for a everlasting relationship.
And I remember I smiled to that.

I'm not saying I'm only put a stop to only one guy.
I'm aware that I have got many guy friends which includes my classmates and schoolmates.
My group mates and my juniors.
I'll never stop calling you guys as friends.
But friends with a guy is unlike friends with a girl.
You don't friendly 'hey I miss you how are you',
you don't friendly high-fives,
you don't friendly kiss and hugs.
You have a boundary that shall give you true and real happiness.
The boundary that He had awarded to all of us.
Trust me, if you follow His path,
you will be granted with His Heaven.
It's also noteworthy that Heaven is our eternal place.
Eternal means forever and ever.

And the boundary,
it depends you know.
It's different if you have important things to deal with.
It's different if you want to ask about,
studies, work, projects,
any important stuff that requires you
to deal with men.
Then it is alright.
Because it's undoubtedly that sooner or later our world will be surrounded by men,
if it's not now.
Sooner or later we have to work with them.
But again,
the boundary,
take good care of it.

Allah has said in the holy Quran:
"Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik.
Lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan baik."
Don't we want to become the good woman and the good man?
So that we could have a good partner that will bring His please?
If we want the everlasting relationship according to His wills,
so that we could last together until Jannah,
we should always, always,
bear this verse in mind.
Allah said in the Quran:
"..Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu perkara, padahal ia amat baik bg kamu,
dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu perkara, padahal ia amat buruk bg kamu.
Dan Allah Maha mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui"

No harm for us to change for the better.
No harm for us to improve and become as close to perfection.

When I hit stop,
I am 18 in the month of October 2011.

ps. Stop, as in stop writing this other -side -of -my -life story.
Stop as in THE END.